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Archive for April, 2011

You, with your words like knives and swords
and weapons that you use against me
You have knocked me off my feet again
got me feeling like I’m nothing
You, with your voice like nails on a chalkboard,
calling me out when I’m wounded
You, pickin’ on the weaker man
Well, you can take me down with just one single blow
But you don’t know what you don’t know

Someday I’ll be living in a big old city
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean
Someday I’ll be big enough so you can’t hit me
And all you’re ever gonna be is mean

Why you gotta be so mean?

You, with your switching sides and your walk-by lies and your humiliation
You, have pointed out my flaws again as if I don’t already see them
I’ll walk with my head down trying to block you out ’cause I’ll never impress you
I just wanna feel okay again

I’ll bet you got pushed around, somebody made you cold
But the cycle ends right now ’cause you can’t lead me down that road
And you don’t know what you don’t know

And I can see you years from now in a bar, talking over a football game
With that same big loud opinion but nobody’s listening
Washed up and ranting about the same old bitter things
Drunk and grumbling on about how I can’t sing

But all you are is mean
All you are is mean and a liar and pathetic and alone in life
And mean, and mean, and mean, and mean.

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I had the most amazing experience today. We all know that I have been down and out for a really long time – that’s not news. But today, while in my garden, I had an enlightenment. Shall I share this great epiphany? Shall I clue you all in to the secret of life? Of happiness? HA, don’t I wish I had that? But I do have a secret weapon now in my arsenal….

I spent the day in my garden, weeding the flower beds and clearing out a year’s worth of neglect. I (shamefully) did not do much with my gardens last summer – I was too busy trying not to end up in the nuthouse. So I was up to my elbows in dead leaves, weeds, and trash, working hard and making things look much nicer. There is such a sense of accomplishment when you work in the dirt, making things grow. It truly is a very inspiring hobby.

Anyway, I was working hard and suddenly the sky turned dark and big fat rain drops began to fall. One of those freak sudden cloudbursts – and I was wearing a white shirt, covered now in mud and grime, with a wheelbarrow full of water and weeds –  and I couldn’t help it, I laughed right out loud and danced in the rain. I’m sure my neighbors thought I had fallen off my rocker, but I couldn’t help it. That full-blown giggle just had to come out. And THEN I realized how long it had been since I really truly laughed. How long it has been since I have been happy. And when the sun came back out in the next couple of minutes, I realized that Little Orphan Annie truly had it right – the sun WILL come out tomorrow. That rain storms happen – life gets messy – you sometimes get stuck in situations you don’t want to be in — but the sun will come back.

So, as I resumed my garden work, I took a moment to pray for contentedness, for many more rays of sunshine after the rain. I’m on the path to healing and will now take peace in my flowers and the moments in the sun.

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I know that I have used this forum to do a whole lot of bitchin’ about various different subjects. Someday, I’m sure, the karma fairy will bite me in the ass for it. My mommy taught me that it’s not nice to talk about people and I’m sure she would be appalled that I have been saying not nice things about people where the ENTIRE world could view it! I comfort myself, though, with the knowledge that the people I’ve been talking smack about are not nice themselves – therefore, it must be ok, right?

But, in between my hateful thoughts and stressed ramblings, I have come to realize how truly blessed I am. And here’s who and why my life is so rich:

  • my family – they may be a long way away, but they have my back and care about me – my mom, dad, brother, aunts, uncle, and cousins have made me who I am today and I cannot thank them enough for the love and support every step of the way
  • my extended circle of friends – because of my fire department/EMS affiliation and my various jobs, I have an extensive circle of people that I know I could call in a heartbeat to help me – this group of men and women are true friends and heroes in every sense of the word
  • my “sisters” – the most wonderful group of close girlfriends who support me, let me lean on them, and have shared their lives, their families, and their hearts with me – this group has shared with me laughter and tears, happy memories and stressful times, support and neediness, hugs and secrets – I can’t tell you what they all mean to me, near and far!
  • my education – I am blessed to have a mind of my own and a very valuable liberal arts education received at one of the best small schools in the northeast – I  have a love of learning and a desire to better myself through education and the college experience molded me into a free thinker, an open-minded human being, and an educated citizen
  • my animals – throughout my life, I have encountered some pretty fantastic four-legged friends who have taught me a lot about life and about kindness, unconditional love, and nurturing – my dogs, cats, and horses have been good friends to me over the years
  • a roof over my head – (up until now) I have never had to stress over where I would live or how I would stay warm in the winter – I had parents who worked very hard to make sure we grew up comfortably and I moved out on my own into a snug apartment – even my house, which I am losing due to a divorce and a royal jackass, has been a haven to me and a wonderful adventure in homeownership and home maintenance
  • a backbone – I lost it (along with my brain) when I fell in love with the wrong man but I have, bit by bit, been reclaiming it. I no longer cower in fear when people are cross towards me – primarily because I just don’t have anything left to lose. But, no matter how unpleasant the reason is, I am so glad to be getting my spirit and my independence back.
  • my faith – I was raised in a church and have always had a singularly special relationship with my Heavenly Father. I am sorry to say that I turned away from him for too many years and especially since last May. I was hurt and angry that my Father could let some of these bad things happen to me. But, with the support and guidance of my friend Drew, I have returned to Him and am healing my relationship.
  • dreams – I have so many things that I want to do, that I believe can happen for me. I have places to travel, foods to eat, experiences to try, people to meet, and hurts to forgive. I have dreams about my future and the wonderful, rich place that it will be. And I have a dream that I won’t be all alone as I travel the rest of my journey. I have dreams and NO ONE can take those from me!

I am truly blessed and I do know it. Despite the anger and the hurt, I have so much more. I have a wealth beyond measure, riches beyond counting. Thank you, Lord.

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So, my soon-to-be-ex just came home and informed that he has “found out” about my blog. Like it was ever a secret? Um, hello, blogs by very nature aren’t secret but ok, I will defend myself against the charge. I tried to explain to him that he had no authority to control how I think or feel (after all, many of my entries are about how I think and feel) and that there was no crime in anything I said. But, apparently, I have made Diddums upset. Here are some of the gems that have come out of this particular discussion:

1) all of my posts are about him – the man is self-centered enough to believe that everything revolves around him! I have figured this out through the last year of my life but never in a million years could I have imagined he’d be able to think that my posts about Dr. King, pet euthanasia, what I want for Christmas, bras, my music nerdiness, or a teenager dying from cancer can be about HIM but whatever. Obviously the entire world is all about him and I’m just too dumb to know it.

2) people who blog are stupid and insane – according tohim, anyone who puts their feelings out on the internet is crazy and stupid – so to all of my fellow bloggers out there, join me in Crazyville or Stupid Land. The fact that there are literally hundreds of thousands of us that put our fingers to keyboards regularly to share our lives means nothing to him. He is, of course, the only intelligent, rational human being on the planet – the rest of us are just morons.

3) he’s going to start being a dick to me – oh, really, you’re going to START? Like that would be a new thing for him! I guess what I have experienced from him in the last 10 years has been the nice guy — from here on out it’s going to get worse??? Oh my good Lord, I don’t even know if that’s possible….

4) I should expect that he will start stealing my belongings – he has stated that, in return for the fact that I have put all my business on the internet, he is going to start taking things that belong to me in payment. Never mind the separation agreement and the division of property. Never mind the fact that I really don’t care about possessions as much as I once did and that stealing my shit isn’t going to hurt me as much as he thinks it will. Never mind that it takes a pretty low person to justify their own actions like that – and a pretty stupid one to admit ahead of time he’s going to do it. It’s all part of his new “Be a Dick” campaign (see rant #3).

5) he is going to start commenting on my posts – he swears one day he’s going to put comments on my posts and “teach me a thing or two.” So, in warning, dear readers, if you see really hostile, expletive-ridden, defensive comments putting me down, you will know the source. After all, he really isn’t smart enough to come up with reasonable or logical discussion – name-calling and self-aggrandizing are more his speed. Oh, and if he tries to defend himself and say he’s innocent of everything, just let him think that – just do the cyber version of nodding and smiling, nodding and smiling. And, besides, he is at perfect liberty to express his thoughts – I was taught that everyone is entitled to their opinions…

6) that I have lied in all of my posts – so apparently, my posts are all lies – even the ones in which I praise God for my blessings or share my opinions of smart women or my EMS class about birthing robotic babies – they must all be lies. I guess I am just the most pathological liar on planet – especially to have come up with that robot baby thing.

7) that I am pathetic – so, uh, duh? What is he, new here? I am the very definition of pathetic – but not for the reasons he thinks. He says that sharing my feelings is dumb, that I should learn to grow up. I don’t agree at all – I think that this has been a terribly cathartic experience for me and that it is the only way in which I have maintained my sanity. Oh no, I am pathetic because I have put up with his abuse for as long as I have. I am pathetic because I still let his put-downs and his insults hurt me. I am pathetic because I let it bother me when he’s upset or that I care at all about his welfare. THAT’S what makes me pathetic, not the fact that I throw my thoughts and feelings out into cyberspace in the hopes that someone else will know what I’m going through.

So, in an official ode to my soon-to-be-ex-husband, this is a salute – THIS POST IS ABOUT YOU, ASSHOLE! Oh, pooh, Diddums is upset – I’m so sorry that he’s upset and feels betrayed. Huh, guess it’s kind of like finding out your husband has cheated on you for years and is now leaving you for his mustachioed mistress. Oh, sweet justice, how much of an irony it is. So, it is with the greatest sarcasm imaginable that I say to him, I am SO sorry you’re upset.

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I was recently talking to a friend of mine who is also going through a breakup and, together, we have created the ideal business venture: The Happiness Store. Picture it: you walk in, select an item, experience, or person off the shelf that will guarantee your happiness and pay a low price for said item/experience/person. And if you don’t like your purchase (doesn’t fit, doesn’t work out, doesn’t make you happy), you can return it with no questions asked and no harm done.

Say you want the perfect job that will pay you well, keep your stress level low, and make you feel that you have met your goals. Step into our Career Section and select an occupation. No interview necessary, no education requirements. Just select your new career and enjoy!

Need the perfect spouse? Take a stroll through our Marriage Department and check out men and women guaranteed not to hurt you, cheat on you,  lie to you, betray you, or break your heart. Our carefully-selected inventory will make you smile, love you forever, compliment you daily, overuse “I love you” and make you laugh. They will accept you for who you are and cherish your quirks. We specialize in kind, loving, giving spouses – we carefully screen our shipments to weed out the assholes and losers.

Maybe not into marriage but want companionship? Check out our Boyfriend/Girlfriend Aisle. We get many returns to this department because this is not a long-term commitment – simply a chance to take various types of people for “test drives” and to supply some entertainment. This is a perfect department for our “no harm, no foul” return policy.

Looking for new friends? Try the Friendship Section. We have special salespeople that will help to evaluate your personality and find the perfect friends for you who are guaranteed to be there when you need them, to make you laugh, to dry your tears, to make you crazy and yet who you will love unconditionally. Our salespeople are specialists in matching personality styles and to match you with the friends you will keep for a lifetime.

Want to take a vacation but can’t afford it or don’t know where you want to get away to? Our Travel Department is your one-stop-shop for anywhere in the world you want to go – CHEAP.  Need a new living arrangement? Our Real Estate Section offers a variety of houses, condos, apartments and cabins – and if you don’t like what you pick, just exchange it for a different style. Need a new car? Don’t bother test driving anywhere else – our Dream Car Department will help you pick one that will fit your lifestyle, be your favorite color, and take you anywhere – and can be exchanged easily if any of those circumstances change.

Well, I’ve got to go now – have to get cracking on the business plan for this new venture, guaranteed to make me a fortune – after all, everyone is looking for guaranteed happiness. If only it were this easy…

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I have come to realize that some people in this world who find lying to be a second nature to them. I have to wonder if they end up in professions like sleazy car salesman or shady defense lawyer. I admit that I am guilty of some harmless white lies and a couple of big whoppers (don’t ask, I’m not telling) but I always end up feeling terribly guilty afterwards. Yet there seems to be a type of person that has no problem in lying to anyone and everyone. And, even worse, there are yet others who really don’t seem to realize they do it.

I was married to one of those last types. I am sad to look back at the tragic joke of my marriage and realize this painful truth. I have written before of some of his more ridiculous lies but in hindsight the whole of my relationship with this man was filled with falsehoods – and I don’t honestly believe he even realizes it. I think this particular character flaw is natural born for the most part but was honed by years of sneaking around with a variety of mistresses. He found it to be the path of least resistance to lie to me regularly, about everything from where his money went to who he was talked to on the phone. He would even lie to me about

An example: the Christmas after I found out about his mistress and had gone into counseling (alone!) to fix our marriage, he absolutely insisted that he travel with me back to my family in New York to spend the holidays with us. I was at a loss as to WHY, since he hated the snow and only barely tolerated my goofy family and their holiday traditions. Yet, Christmas morning came and he hadn’t put any gift under the tree for me. Rather than ‘fessing up that he just hadn’t bought one, he made up some bullshit story about how he’d ordered the Keurig coffeemaker I wanted but it was late in arriving. My mother, meanwhile, had bought me the same thing and had to return so as not to hurt his feelings. Turns out, there was no coffee maker – and I had to FORCE him to go to Target and buy me one three weeks later. Only later did I find out that he had spent over $200 on gifts for his mistress and her two children. This, to me, is the perfect illustration of not only the large but also the petty, stupid lies that he fed to me over the years.

So was I stupid in believing them? Was I too naive or too trusting to realize that he filled our lives with falsehoods, half-truths, and imaginings? Am I the perfect patsy or did I simply love him too much to figure out that he couldn’t be honest with me. The only two comforts I have are these: I don’t think he knows that he does it and he is destined to do it to the next women. I know that sounds very hateful but I take a tremendous satisfaction in knowing that he has no doubt lied to the mistresses and that they will probably fall for the same lies I did. I guess it’s true that misery loves company – and I can only laugh at the next victims of this particular Natural Born Liar.

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I have a new vacation getaway that I am saving for. I have backburnered the Scotland trip – I need to move out of my house, get my books out of storage, and finish my geneaology on Ancestry.com so I can know WHERE in Scotland I should go. But, meanwhile, I am going to save all my spare pennies (as sparse as they may be right now)  for an all-inclusive trip with my girlfriends to somewhere warm and tropical.

I have two wonderful, beautiful, single girlfriends named Aimee and Becky. I am at the stage in my life that most of my female friends are married with children (or, at the very least, in stable long-term committed relationships). But these two are the exception to the rule – and my partners in crime. They love to go out and do things and meet people – I wish I was half so outgoing! No situation scares them and no event intimidates them!

Hence the plan for all of us to go on some exotic vacation together. My husband and I went to Jamaica five years ago to attend the wedding of my best friends Stacy and Barry. What a wonderful time that was! Although the resort they had selected was 3 hours (by very rural roads) from the airport, I thoroughly enjoyed the trip, with a native Jamaican driver who showed us the sites, explained some of the culture and history, and generally made it a very educational experience. The resort itself was gorgeous, with swim-up bars (the BEST invention since white bread), white sands, extravagant buffets, and warm sunshine. We’ll forget, momentarily, the wicked sunburn and incessant reggae music. Let’s instead, imagine we were back on that resort, drinking rum drinks for breakfast and soaking up the Vitamin D.

So when Becky suggested that we try an all-inclusive resort on some tropical island, I admit that I did a little happy dance in my office chair and immediately began the web research on where to go. Does anyone have any suggestions on good resorts and destinations? Where three single women can go and have a safe vacation – and yet still cut up, have fun, and swim to the nearest bar?

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