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Archive for the ‘pushing through the tough days’ Category

[Maroon 5]

I’m at a payphone trying to call home / All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone / Baby it’s all wrong /where are the plans we made for two?
Yeah, I, I know it’s hard to remember / The people we used to be

It’s even harder to picture / That you’re not here next to me

You say it’s too late to make it / But is it too late to try?

And in our time that you wasted / All of our bridges burned down
I’ve wasted my nights / You turned out the lights

Now I’m paralyzed / Still stuck in that time when we called it love / But even the sun sets in paradise
If happy ever after did exist / I would still be holding you like this

All those fairytales are full of shit / One more stupid love song  / I’ll be sick
You turned your back on tomorrow / Cause you forgot yesterday

I gave you my love to borrow / But you just gave it away

You can’t expect me to be fine / I don’t expect you to care

I know I’ve said it before / But all of our bridges burned down
 [Wiz Khalifa]

Man work that shit / I’ll be out spending all this money while you sitting round

Wondering why it wasn’t you who came up from nothing

Made it from the bottom / Now when you see me I’m stunning

And all of my cars start with the push up a button

Telling me the chances I blew up / or whatever you call it

Switched the number to my phone / So you never could call it

Don’t need my name on my show / You can tell it I’m ballin’

Swish, what a shame could have got picked / Had a really good game but you missed your last shot

So you talk about who you see at the top / Or what you could’ve saw

But sad to say it’s over for Phantom / pulled up valet open doors / Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for

Now ask me who they want / So you can go and take that little piece of shit with you

I’m at a payphone trying to call home / All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone / Baby it’s all wrong /where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist / I would still be holding you like this

All those fairytales are full of shit / One more stupid love song / I’ll be sick
Now I’m at a payphone…

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Today is what I would (now and probably forever) consider a bittersweet day in my life – today would have been my wedding anniversary. I look back at the young and trusting person that I was just those 6 short years ago when we got married and I weep for the innocence lost and the dreams and memories that I will never make. I mourn the death of that marriage – I loved that man and I liked being married. I mourn for the happy person that I was that beautiful autumn day and I am sad for the good, decent man who has become not so much.

Now, I do fully understand how lucky I am to be out of  my marriage. Staying with a man who had been unfaithful and dishonest with me for the entire length of our relationship would have been foolish and toxic. Continuing to try to fix an unfixable situation would have eventually caused major psychic and physical damage to me. I spent so much time and emotional energy trying to make myself more attractive, interesting, and appealing to him – not knowing that he was…uh…otherwise involved. I am jumping for joy at the independence and stability that I have earned since ending things with him. I am eternally grateful that the Lord only burdened me with him for the short time – its only 10 years of my life gone, after all. I truly am a stronger person now having gone through all of this and I can hold my head high that I did nothing wrong except to love the wrong person.

However, with all that said, I am still sad today. As much as my mind tells me how lucky I am to be out, my heart still breaks for what I have lost. A few tears may be shed at some point today for the scars that I bear and the hurts that I still carry because of that once-happy day 6 years ago.

I will pray, once more, for forgiveness to enter my heart and for the hurts to go away. And I will give prayers of thanks for the stronger person I am now. Like I said, a very bittersweet day indeed…

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To whoever says my job isn’t difficult: have you ever tried to tactfully schedule an office visit for a squirrel with a self-inflicted scrotal injury? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

This is a true story. One of our clients called and needed to see one of our small animal vets because his squirrel had, for some unknown reason, done harm to himself. What ran through my mind was a mixture of disgust (ew!), horror (why that area of his body?), pity (that poor baby), and curiosity (what’s mentally wrong with this animal?). I have been around animals all of my life and have seen some pretty grotesque sights – but this one even made me cringe. And I’m not even a guy so I lack that sensitivity on the subject of ManLand!

But, this got me thinking – what kind of harm do we humans inflict on ourselves? We may not all be as….er…obvious about our self-inflicted scars as the squirrel was, but like it or not we all do this sort of stuff to ourselves. Sometimes its physical mutilation (cutting, eating disorders, piercing/tattoo addictions, plastic surgery addictions, etc.) but I think mostly its mental and emotional. I think we all beat ourselves up, inflicting a variety of short- and long-term injuries, over a plethora of topics – work, relationships, children, marriage, friends, holidays, schools, etc.

Think about it – what scars are you carrying with you that you inflicted on yourself? What internal stress have you allowed to cause pain and suffering? What have you mentally sliced yourself up about?

Take it from an expert – on both squirrels AND emotional mutilation – nothing is worth harming yourself over! No person or subject on the planet is worth any extensive harm you might do to yourself! Forgive, forget, and look for something wonderful on the horizon! Have faith that the Lord has a plan and has something amazing in store for you! How’s that for a Pollyanna moment?

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I have been doing a lot of thinking lately as to why I started (and have continued) this blog. Many people have weighed in, both positively and negatively, on my writings – but I’m not sure that I’m writing it for anyone else but myself. I have learned a lot about myself by putting my thoughts down for the world to see. I’m not writing to hurt anyone or to cause hard feelings, I’m not hosting my own pity party, I’m not using an easy outlet for my anger and bitterness. I’m not publicly exposing the secrets and foibles of my family and friends (with the exception of my lying, cheating bastard of an ex-husband) and I’m not ridiculing the people I love. I am simply exploring who I am and what I want in this world.

I am reading an absolutely fantastic book right now called Eat, Pray, Love about one woman’s attempt to find herself. She was lucky enough to have the money to travel all over the world to discover herself – a luck which I don’t share – but she wrote about her experiences. I wonder if she took a lot of crap for having written about her friends, family, and strangers that she met along the way? I wonder if people took offense when she dared to include them in her stories or to express her opinions about their actions.

I can’t apologize for my observations on the world and for finding my voice. I am only just relearning how to express myself and my feelings. Granted, I probably shouldn’t be using the Internet as a way to redefine myself – my ex-husband is right that it is an awfully public forum – but I wonder if I need the sense of commiseration and companionship? It comforts me somehow when I know someone somewhere has read what I have to say and has listened to me. I know that sounds pathetic but it’s true. I like knowing that someone out there may be feeling the way that I do or may be going through the same life-changing events that I am.

But, lastly, I write because it makes me happy.

“In addition to her secret pleasure in reading, Laura enjoyed writing. Nothing serious or big or personal, no journal stuffed between the mattresses, no shoe box filled with smudged pages, no amazing blog that had made her famous in cyberspace. She was satisfied with a small stage…this method of relationship was far more gratifying to her than speaking by phone or in person. For one thing, she was an entirely different Laura on the screen; she liked herself far better in print. It was curious, that she was so much more interesting and witty and sure when no other human being was present…”   ~”Laura Rider’s Masterpiece” by Jane Hamilton

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Recently I realized that I must make it too easy for people to push my buttons. I’ve always known that I wear my heart on my sleeve but didn’t realize that it made me such an easy target. I didn’t realize that my foibles and insecurities and heartbreaks and shortcomings were so blatantly obvious to everyone in the world – and thereby open season on me. But, you know, at this period in my life, I don’t know why anyone wants to take shots – it’s too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. It takes a really sleazy person to kick me while I’m down. But….

Recently, the AssHat told me (in regards to our house situation and our marriage situation) that I have no problems and that I am content to “be fat and happy, napping all the time.” Wow, one insult with three very sharp, very painful arrows. Let me explain:

Arrow #1 – napping all the time – I am ashamed to admit that I have been sleeping a LOT in the last year. Byproduct of the clinical depression or just easy means to escape the overwhelming anger, bitterness, and grief? I can’t answer that. But I CAN tell you that I don’t like it. I have a million other things that I could and would be doing with my time – if I weren’t so damn exhausted. I feel like getting out of bed every morning and screwing a smile on my face takes all of my emotional, mental, and physical energy. I am ashamed that it wears me out simply to try and get through my days and that I can’t seem to shake this off. I take naps almost every day and frequently go to bed early in the night. I hate this and I wish that life didn’t wear me out so badly.

Arrow #2 – happy – uh, really? How can that man possibly have deluded himself into thinking that I am happy with the way my life has turned out? If you’d have asked me ten years ago where I thought my life would be, I sure as HELL would not have answered “the jilted spouse, about to be divorced, living with a man who hates me, having lost friends I’ve had for 10 years, not sure where I will be living next month, and feeling so bad about myself that I can’t stand it.” Yep, you got it, I’m fricking ecstatic!

Arrow #3 – fat – yep, we all know that’s the #1 hot button for me. As if him cheating on me for 3 years and finally leaving me for that whore isn’t enough of an ego killer, he has to throw in my face the one thing that has devastated my self-confidence for my entire life. Nice, real nice. I have been self-conscious about my body since the third grade and have always been afraid that no man will ever truly love me because of my size. In hindsight, I guess I’ve always wondered how I managed to get married at all – since I am certainly not the ideal woman. So to have him use that particular arrow in this situation was a dead-on shot.

If I’ve learned any one lesson from this mess, it’s that I need to stop letting everything get to me. I have to toughen up and stop letting inconsequential and cruel people mess with my head and pushing my buttons. I will be stronger, I will be tougher, I will be less sensitive! I’ll just keep saying it…it will stick one of these days…

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I had the most amazing experience today. We all know that I have been down and out for a really long time – that’s not news. But today, while in my garden, I had an enlightenment. Shall I share this great epiphany? Shall I clue you all in to the secret of life? Of happiness? HA, don’t I wish I had that? But I do have a secret weapon now in my arsenal….

I spent the day in my garden, weeding the flower beds and clearing out a year’s worth of neglect. I (shamefully) did not do much with my gardens last summer – I was too busy trying not to end up in the nuthouse. So I was up to my elbows in dead leaves, weeds, and trash, working hard and making things look much nicer. There is such a sense of accomplishment when you work in the dirt, making things grow. It truly is a very inspiring hobby.

Anyway, I was working hard and suddenly the sky turned dark and big fat rain drops began to fall. One of those freak sudden cloudbursts – and I was wearing a white shirt, covered now in mud and grime, with a wheelbarrow full of water and weeds –  and I couldn’t help it, I laughed right out loud and danced in the rain. I’m sure my neighbors thought I had fallen off my rocker, but I couldn’t help it. That full-blown giggle just had to come out. And THEN I realized how long it had been since I really truly laughed. How long it has been since I have been happy. And when the sun came back out in the next couple of minutes, I realized that Little Orphan Annie truly had it right – the sun WILL come out tomorrow. That rain storms happen – life gets messy – you sometimes get stuck in situations you don’t want to be in — but the sun will come back.

So, as I resumed my garden work, I took a moment to pray for contentedness, for many more rays of sunshine after the rain. I’m on the path to healing and will now take peace in my flowers and the moments in the sun.

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I know that I have used this forum to do a whole lot of bitchin’ about various different subjects. Someday, I’m sure, the karma fairy will bite me in the ass for it. My mommy taught me that it’s not nice to talk about people and I’m sure she would be appalled that I have been saying not nice things about people where the ENTIRE world could view it! I comfort myself, though, with the knowledge that the people I’ve been talking smack about are not nice themselves – therefore, it must be ok, right?

But, in between my hateful thoughts and stressed ramblings, I have come to realize how truly blessed I am. And here’s who and why my life is so rich:

  • my family – they may be a long way away, but they have my back and care about me – my mom, dad, brother, aunts, uncle, and cousins have made me who I am today and I cannot thank them enough for the love and support every step of the way
  • my extended circle of friends – because of my fire department/EMS affiliation and my various jobs, I have an extensive circle of people that I know I could call in a heartbeat to help me – this group of men and women are true friends and heroes in every sense of the word
  • my “sisters” – the most wonderful group of close girlfriends who support me, let me lean on them, and have shared their lives, their families, and their hearts with me – this group has shared with me laughter and tears, happy memories and stressful times, support and neediness, hugs and secrets – I can’t tell you what they all mean to me, near and far!
  • my education – I am blessed to have a mind of my own and a very valuable liberal arts education received at one of the best small schools in the northeast – I  have a love of learning and a desire to better myself through education and the college experience molded me into a free thinker, an open-minded human being, and an educated citizen
  • my animals – throughout my life, I have encountered some pretty fantastic four-legged friends who have taught me a lot about life and about kindness, unconditional love, and nurturing – my dogs, cats, and horses have been good friends to me over the years
  • a roof over my head – (up until now) I have never had to stress over where I would live or how I would stay warm in the winter – I had parents who worked very hard to make sure we grew up comfortably and I moved out on my own into a snug apartment – even my house, which I am losing due to a divorce and a royal jackass, has been a haven to me and a wonderful adventure in homeownership and home maintenance
  • a backbone – I lost it (along with my brain) when I fell in love with the wrong man but I have, bit by bit, been reclaiming it. I no longer cower in fear when people are cross towards me – primarily because I just don’t have anything left to lose. But, no matter how unpleasant the reason is, I am so glad to be getting my spirit and my independence back.
  • my faith – I was raised in a church and have always had a singularly special relationship with my Heavenly Father. I am sorry to say that I turned away from him for too many years and especially since last May. I was hurt and angry that my Father could let some of these bad things happen to me. But, with the support and guidance of my friend Drew, I have returned to Him and am healing my relationship.
  • dreams – I have so many things that I want to do, that I believe can happen for me. I have places to travel, foods to eat, experiences to try, people to meet, and hurts to forgive. I have dreams about my future and the wonderful, rich place that it will be. And I have a dream that I won’t be all alone as I travel the rest of my journey. I have dreams and NO ONE can take those from me!

I am truly blessed and I do know it. Despite the anger and the hurt, I have so much more. I have a wealth beyond measure, riches beyond counting. Thank you, Lord.

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