Posts Tagged ‘dating’

[Maroon 5]

I’m at a payphone trying to call home / All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone / Baby it’s all wrong /where are the plans we made for two?
Yeah, I, I know it’s hard to remember / The people we used to be

It’s even harder to picture / That you’re not here next to me

You say it’s too late to make it / But is it too late to try?

And in our time that you wasted / All of our bridges burned down
I’ve wasted my nights / You turned out the lights

Now I’m paralyzed / Still stuck in that time when we called it love / But even the sun sets in paradise
If happy ever after did exist / I would still be holding you like this

All those fairytales are full of shit / One more stupid love song  / I’ll be sick
You turned your back on tomorrow / Cause you forgot yesterday

I gave you my love to borrow / But you just gave it away

You can’t expect me to be fine / I don’t expect you to care

I know I’ve said it before / But all of our bridges burned down
 [Wiz Khalifa]

Man work that shit / I’ll be out spending all this money while you sitting round

Wondering why it wasn’t you who came up from nothing

Made it from the bottom / Now when you see me I’m stunning

And all of my cars start with the push up a button

Telling me the chances I blew up / or whatever you call it

Switched the number to my phone / So you never could call it

Don’t need my name on my show / You can tell it I’m ballin’

Swish, what a shame could have got picked / Had a really good game but you missed your last shot

So you talk about who you see at the top / Or what you could’ve saw

But sad to say it’s over for Phantom / pulled up valet open doors / Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for

Now ask me who they want / So you can go and take that little piece of shit with you

I’m at a payphone trying to call home / All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone / Baby it’s all wrong /where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist / I would still be holding you like this

All those fairytales are full of shit / One more stupid love song / I’ll be sick
Now I’m at a payphone…


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One of the worst parts about being single again at my age is the serious shortage in available, decent men. I guess I got too comfortable as a married woman and didn’t notice that all the really good guys were being snatched up off the market. But in the time since my husband left, I have found pretty much every possible representative of odd men that are still left on the singles scene. My married and relationshiped friends laugh when I make jokes about creating patches to represent these various different categories of men and wear the badges like a Girl Scout uniform. So, as a representative for single girls everywhere, I’m willing to proudly wear the Red Badges of Shame:

The Rebound Guy – this is the one who comes swooping in and says he knows exactly what you’re going through, he’ll be there for you, wants to rebuild your damaged ego, etc. I am a big enough girl to admit having fallen for that huge mistake – my rebound guy was over 20 years older than me and seriously resembles the cartoon character Shrek – without the sense of humor or lovable charm! Yeah, I’m real proud of this one.

The “You Were Better in My Head” Guy – this was the guy that ended up being so not worth the hype. My particular version of this guy had been the subject of some serious x-rated fantasies for me in the last year of my marriage as things were falling apart. It could have been terribly awkward if the husband had ever found out, since this fantasy-maker was a mutual friend of ours and in the fire service with us. Too bad he ended up being a MAJOR disappointment compared to all the fantasies I had built up in my head….

The Momma’s Boy – this guy couldn’t decide what to wear without consulting his mother. I was actually surprised, the few times we went out to dinner, that he didn’t either ask her to join us or have to call her for guidance on what to eat. And the worst part was that I was actually disappointed when this one dumped me. We won’t even ponder why I waited around long enough to get dumped.

The Pimp – yep, that’s right, he was a real, honest-to-God pimp – in his past, or so he promised me. And he considered it a compliment to me when he said I could have been his house mother. Gee, thanks, I don’t even get to be a ‘service provider’, I just get to babysit and cook for them. Really??

The ‘I Can’t Believe You Dumped Me for HER’ Guy – this is the guy that you see out with the next girl and you literally think to yourself ‘really, THAT girl’s better than me?’!  I went out with a guy once who is in law enforcement and who blew me off for someone he met through work – and NOT on the free side of the bars if you get my general drift. That’ll take a chunk out of a girl’s ego – of course, my husband left me for a woman who is going bald and has a mustache so there wasn’t much ego left but still….

The Control Freak – this is the guy that can’t be bothered to squeeze you into his schedule if it’s inconvenient but he damn well wants to know where you are and who you’re with. And, if you mention that you have guy friends and that you’re spending time with them, be prepared for the Control Freak to go batcrap crazy. You’ve been warned.

The “Are You SURE You’re Not Gay?” Guy – this guy was classy, educated, well-spoken and always dressed well. All in all, way too perfect to have been interested in me. I still haven’t figured out yet if he really is a gay man or just out of my league…

The Merry Widower – this one actually called me for emotional support on the night of his wife’s funeral. His need to ‘talk’ to someone lasted only as long as it took me to fall hard for his wounded, emotionally vulnerable self – and then he was moving on, getting engaged and pregnant within a year. Wow, shame on me, that’s all I can say….

The Baby Daddy – we all know them and love them, the men who just seem destined to be dads. Normally, I am a sucker for a guy with kids, who spends time with them, loves them, and supports them. This particular individual, though, has *4* children – with *4* different women. There is something charming about a loving dad – there is something not so charming about a serial sperm donor.

The Hillbilly – miles beyond the normal redneck man (who we all know I happen to love), the Hillbilly is in a class all by his double-wide-trailered self. This is the guy that thinks “hey, wanna see the deer hide still stuck in the front bumper of my station wagon ’cause I ran him down last month?” is an actual pickup line.

The Loser – this guy lives with his parents (in the basement, the attic, whatever) and doesn’t really seem to be bothered by it. Normally, when an adult child has to move home for some reason, there is a sense of discomfort and unease on the part of the adult child – they don’t really WANT to be there. But with this guy, he’s quite content to let Mom & Dad foot the bills, do the laundry, cook the meals and keep the house.

The Second Date Guy – this particularly charming individual got pissed off at me when I wouldn’t sleep with him on the second date. I will politely refrain from using the phrase Trailer Trash …but suffice it to say, I don’t give this one high marks for class or chivalry.

The Possessor – this guy is the one who wants to know where you are, what you’re doing, and who you’re with at every moment. He needs constant reassurance that you’re interested and wants to know when you will be calling him, seeing him, or texting him. It’s a sad day when I date a man who is a bigger girl than I am!

The One Who Is Just Waiting For Something Better – this charmer is the one who basically tells you he’s just passing the time with you. He checks his texts constantly while out with you, hoping that a better offer has come along. While he gets points for being honest and upfront, he will someday realize that telling a girl straight out that she will be only a booty call is somewhat insulting.

The Emotionally Unavailable One – this is the one that, no matter how hard you try to establish an emotional connection, you just can’t rip through the walls he’s built up. I couldn’t even get a straight answer from this guy on WHY he had built up these walls – it was like trying to ram my head into the proverbial brick wall.

The Egotist – this is the guy that never once asks you a single question about yourself or listens to anything you have to say. He’s too busy telling you about his history, his life, his hobbies, his job, his taste in food, etc. You could stand naked in the corner and whistle Dixie and it wouldn’t interrupt the soliloquy about HIM.

The Friend – this is perhaps the biggest mistake we as newly-single women can make! If he was a friend either from your previous single life or worse yet from your married days do NOT try to have a relationship with him! It will be awkward when things don’t work out and then you’ve potentially ruined a friendship that has survived the test of time. Or, even if you can salvage the friendship, you will always feel a certain resentment when you see him with the next girl.

The Wounded Soul – this guy is the easiest to fall for, especially if you’re like me – a sucker with a big heart. It’s like adopting a homeless puppy – they’re so vulnerable and needy and you can help them and make their lives better. The downfall is that you can either end up with the dog that will one day turn on you inexplicably and bite you in the ass OR you end up with the one who just acts like he’s waiting for you to kick him in the teeth because some woman in the past has done just that. Either way, you can’t win and it won’t be a healthy relationship.

And all of these charmers are the ones I actually went out with – this doesn’t include the variety of men that are still out there, just waiting for me. Oh, come on girls, you know we’ve ALL been out with these guys – I cannot possibly be the only one to have discovered some of these ‘treasures’! In a rare flash of uncharacteristic optimism, I am going to HOPE that I might one day start a relationship with Mr. Perfect. This is the guy that is, in so many ways, the anthithesis of the men that are normally attracted to me – he’s intelligent, kind, educated, well-spoken, with a good job and a sense of decency – and he actually reads books and uses his brain for matters other than sex or fire trucks. He will be able to tolerate me and my quirky ways, he will treat me well, and he will be normal…and then maybe I can throw away the collection of badges? Oh, Mr. Perfect, here I am, ready and waiting….

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In thinking about holiday traditions and the trappings of Christmas that we see around us all the time, this particular tradition has not really ever been a part of my holiday experience. I have never really understood or participated in this Christmas tradition – but that doesn’t mean I don’t want to start 😉

I had to go to wikipedia to find out about the history behind kissing under the mistletoe. Although it has only been linked to Christmas since the 18th century, mistletoe was originally a pagan symbol for “divine male essence.” Ha, as if that even exists. It was often left in houses all year long as a protection against lightning and fires. The Christmas custom, thought to have started in Scandinavia, is that any two people who meet under the hanging bunch of mistletoe during the advent season were obliged to kiss.

Interestingly, the actual plant is poisonous – kind of like kissing the wrong person. I have discovered that I have kissed a lot of frogs, especially here lately. I have to wake up every morning and face the simple truth that I have repeatedly handed over my heart to people who don’t treasure it the way they should! I believed in the silly myth of fairy tales and true love – and yet I think I shall continue to believe.

In the true spirit of mistletoe, I’m going to keep looking for a man who will treat me well, respect me, and want to kiss me every Christmas for the rest of my life!

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(with apologies to Kenny Chesney)

The other day I was driving through the northern end of my county, largely farmland and saw all these great jacked-up farm trucks and hunters’ vehicles. That got me thinking about how much I miss home and the good, old-fashioned country stock that I come from. Yes, believe it or not, this highly-sophisticated girl (yeah, right) is a redneck at heart! I miss mucking stalls and feeding the animals in the brisk morning air. I miss the smell of newly mown hay fields or leaves burning in the fall. I miss the excitement of sales on Wranglers and cowboy boots at the Tractor Supply store.  I miss the days when a good saddle and a pair of good splint boots were the most valuable things I owned. What can I say, I’m just a good redneck girl at heart.

I do have to take this moment to draw a very clear distinction between ‘redneck’ and ‘hillbilly’. A redneck drives a relatively new Dodge Ram pickup truck on lifts with camo trim – a hillbilly drives a 1971 Ford truck with mismatched quarter panels and partially painted with leftover housepaint. A redneck marries a girl who grew up in the country and shares the same values of family, God, and country – a hillbilly marries his cousin. A redneck finished high school, if grudgingly, so that he could get a decent job – a hillbilly can’t even spell his own name. A redneck clings close to his ideals on politics, family values and religion – a hillbilly clings tight to his ignorance.

So we all know that I find a redneck man very attractive! This isn’t a secret, hell it isn’t even a new facet to my personality. I have always been drawn to those rough and tough types, the more rugged and ‘countryfied’ the better. That must explain why I was married to the only black redneck this side of the Mississippi. From his Dale Earnhardt baseball cap (with the fishing hook attached) to his camo sweatshirt to his Carhartt jacket, my ex-husband was ready for a life in the true country. Honestly, I think that was one of the things that most made me love him – he was a through-and-through country boy, skin color be damned.

I have a sincere love for men who are true country, from their John Deere caps to their work boots, farmers tans and all. There is just something uniquely charming to me about a man who grew up in a small town, with a love of the land, a respect for his mamma, and a connection to the human beings around him. They aren’t buried in complicated technology (unless its the newest Case tractor) and don’t let money rule their values systems. They say “good morning” to strangers, help people in need, and consider cutting their own Christmas trees part of the holiday traditions. They reminisce about the good old days when a man’s word was his bond and trade gossip at the farm bureau dinners or over breakfast at the local cafe.

So when I see a big truck or a tractor, I can’t help but look inside to see if there’s a handsome, teddy-bear of a redneck driving it. To me, those sexy trucks symbolize a truly decent man who is in touch with the country that runs in his veins. This isn’t a materialistic thing, don’t get me wrong – it doesn’t have to be a new or expensive vehicle. In fact, a few dings and a layer of mud are even sexier – shows a man who knows his way around the dirt roads. And heaven help that man if he’s towing a trailer – I might just follow him home! I can’t help it – I just think his truck is sexy…

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I admit to an incurable love of chick flicks. I know that it is so awfully female of me but I have always loved those sappy, female-oriented stories. Steel Magnolias, Beaches, You’ve Got Mail, Pretty Woman – you name it, I’ve seen it, loved it, probably own it on DVD and can recite the lines to you. I just can’t help getting all gooshy about the love stories and the sisterhoods, the female bonding and bitching, the romantic swoons and the happy endings.

Lately, though, I have found myself unable to watch them very easily. In the final days of my marriage, love stories on television or in the movies would piss me off so bad that I would have to turn it off. Sex scenes, romance, and wedding scenes specifically made me want to throw the remote through the screen. I was so angry at that point that I just couldn’t stomach the idea of romance, love, commitment, faithfulness or happy endings.

Now, though, it’s a little bit of a different story. Nowadays, I have trouble watching  them because I am so darn lonely. I want so badly to be loved by someone, anyone, that I get edgy if a love scene of any degree comes on. Those intense looks between the couple, the heartbreakingly handsome leading man and the relatably familiar leading lady, that just make your heart go pitter-pat. Those breathtaking moments as they lean in for that long-awaited kiss. The longing as they reach out to one another.

I miss kissing. I miss that intimate connection to another human being. I miss that sense of melting from 2 separate individuals into 1 soul. I miss that breathless anticipation, that bump-bump of the heart, as you lean into each other. I miss the feeling of being in someone’s arms, someone that loves you and accepts you for who you are. The hungry nibbles, the tender touching of lips, that sweet sharing of breath. Good heavens, do I miss kissing!

So, for now, when those moments come on tv, I’ll turn the channel. I’ll try not to pick any movies to see that might include one of those soul-shaking kissing scenes. It will help my mental health tremendously, I think, to forego the romance for a while. But if anyone out there finds a decent man for me to kiss, can you please send him my way?

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I have a very good guy friend who is, in almost all ways possible, the exact opposite of me. Besides the typical gender-related differences, he is so vastly different from me I sometimes wonder how we ever became friends at all. He is outgoing and can talk to anybody; I am rather shy and quiet around people unless I know them well. He is brash and bold; I am reserved. He is noble and brave; I am afraid of my own shadow half the time.

One of the most interesting differences, though, is how we have each responded to the extreme emotional hurt we’ve dealt with over the years. Like me, his spouse cheated on him and made a mockery of their marriage. Like me, Cupid has run over him with the proverbial truck and left him single in his 30s. And, like me, he is a decent, honest, hardworking human being with a heart of gold.

But, unlike me, he has responded to the hurts inflicted on him by becoming almost pathologically afraid of long-term commitments and decent relationships. My theory is that, in his life prior to when I met him, he wore his heart on his sleeve and gave his love easily. I suspect, from what he has told me about his past, that he fell in love regularly – he was engaged more times than Elizabeth Taylor, for God’s sake! I think he was too eager to love and to be married and to have that lifelong commitment. And, since those various past women screwed him over in a variety of ways, he is now over-compensating and refusing to let himself get attached to anybody! He gets involved with women who he KNOWS can’t stay in a decent relationship – they’re married or they’re drama queens or they’re super-high-maintenance or they’re emotionally unavailable or or or…. Subconsciously, he is attracted to and pursues women who are pretty screwed up (and in some cases, just total trash) because he knows they won’t stay around long. He prevents further hurt and damage to himself by keeping himself emotionally distant from these women.

This is the opposite of how I have dealt with my various broken hearts. I immediately begin looking for the next ‘victim’ and trying to create a new instant relationship. I hand my heart over again and again in an attempt to nab that elusive happy, loving, normal relationship – and ultimately end up with another crack in the broken heart. And yet I can’t seem to stop trying! Instead of becoming the commitment-phobe that my friend is, I am a commitment-addict. Relationships are my ‘heroin’ and I need a quick fix.

About the only thing that my friend and I seem to have in common is that we both seem to be pursuing the WRONG people! Someone once told me that if you lay down with dogs, you will get up with fleas – and both my friend and I seem to be hell-bent on finding those dogs. Neither one of us seem to be looking in the right places for decent, hardworking, non-criminal, non-loser people.

So now that I have psychoanalyzed the situation (and my poor friend who has no idea he is the subject of these deep musings) I know that I need to get off my ‘heroin’ and get rid of the addiction – but NOT become the commitment-phobe that my dear friend is. And we both need to stay away from the relationship dogs and find some decent people!

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From the very moment we, as little girls, dream of our wedding, we hope that we will find a giving, kind man that will treat us like queens, love puppies, and give kisses regularly. We can’t help it, we dream of the wonderful men that will wait for us at the altar, who will walk hand-in-hand with us through the paths of life. We all long for the once-in-a-lifetime love – and we all sort through a huge stack of possibilities trying to find Mr. Right.

As any female over the age of 25 can tell you, there was a whole string of maybes and like-a-lots. These are the men who walk into our lives and teach us the good and bad about ourselves, our world, and our expectations. They are the men that show us what qualities we desire in a mate. Some of these men are good, some are awful – and they are ALL educational! These men are the trial-and-error elements of finding love in this mixed-up world. They are the gods we drool over from afar, the bad boys who will treat us horribly, the overly-kind mammas boys, the geeks, the cheating bastards, the sex fiends, the players, and the big talkers. We have to suffer through these mistakes in order to find out who we are as women and what we want in life.

I have truly loved two men in my life. They didn’t turn out to be the “right” ones for me but, in fairness, they were wonderful men. They each had qualities that made me love them uncontrollably and unconditionally. These two men were noble and kind, brave and strong, and as loving and giving as their natures allowed them to be. They weren’t good fits for me – who knows, maybe no one is – but I cannot deny that they are good, decent people. I would like to think that I wouldn’t have loved them if they were total losers! In hindsight, I know that they each had qualities that are endearing and charming and captivating. I loved them, flaws and all, because they are good men. I hope that the women now in their lives realize how special these two men are!

So how do we, as women, swim through the wide, crowded pool of humanity to find someone who is a good fit? It was hard enough when I had my youth and idealism, energy and naivete. Now I am older, wiser, more jaded, and yet still not cautious enough to guard my heart. How on earth do I avoid any more painful chapters in my fairy tale? How do I find someone that I can love as much as the previous two but who will treat me better? How do I find the one man who will realize how much more there is to me than just love handles and a stubborn nature?

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