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Posts Tagged ‘pushing through the tough days’

[Maroon 5]

I’m at a payphone trying to call home / All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone / Baby it’s all wrong /where are the plans we made for two?
Yeah, I, I know it’s hard to remember / The people we used to be

It’s even harder to picture / That you’re not here next to me

You say it’s too late to make it / But is it too late to try?

And in our time that you wasted / All of our bridges burned down
I’ve wasted my nights / You turned out the lights

Now I’m paralyzed / Still stuck in that time when we called it love / But even the sun sets in paradise
If happy ever after did exist / I would still be holding you like this

All those fairytales are full of shit / One more stupid love song  / I’ll be sick
You turned your back on tomorrow / Cause you forgot yesterday

I gave you my love to borrow / But you just gave it away

You can’t expect me to be fine / I don’t expect you to care

I know I’ve said it before / But all of our bridges burned down
 [Wiz Khalifa]

Man work that shit / I’ll be out spending all this money while you sitting round

Wondering why it wasn’t you who came up from nothing

Made it from the bottom / Now when you see me I’m stunning

And all of my cars start with the push up a button

Telling me the chances I blew up / or whatever you call it

Switched the number to my phone / So you never could call it

Don’t need my name on my show / You can tell it I’m ballin’

Swish, what a shame could have got picked / Had a really good game but you missed your last shot

So you talk about who you see at the top / Or what you could’ve saw

But sad to say it’s over for Phantom / pulled up valet open doors / Wiz like go away, got what you was looking for

Now ask me who they want / So you can go and take that little piece of shit with you

I’m at a payphone trying to call home / All of my change I spent on you

Where have the times gone / Baby it’s all wrong /where are the plans we made for two?

If happy ever after did exist / I would still be holding you like this

All those fairytales are full of shit / One more stupid love song / I’ll be sick
Now I’m at a payphone…

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 So I was driving home from work a few weeks ago and saw this simple statement written on a sign board for one of the more….uh…fundamentalist churches here in Easton. And, while I generally don’t agree with the statements this particular church posts (don’t start sending me hate mail, I just don’t agree with some of their beliefs), this particular statement really got me thinking.

I admit that, for the past several weeks, I have been a tidbit grouchy. Perhaps its the keen sense of loss and grief I feel for the act of eating and enjoying a meal, perhaps it was the surgical experience of having my guts scrambled. Perhaps its the culmination of the past several years of stress, or maybe it was just because I have bottled up too much anxiety lately and it’s starting to manifest. Regardless of the reason, I have been grouchy and grumpy.

But this sign gives me a sharp dose of reality. I should be grateful for the wonderful things and people I have in my life. I have my health (came through the surgery with flying colors, according to the surgeon this week), I have a roof over my head (at least for the time being), I have family and friends near and far, I have a strong fire department family. I have a job that I love and which challenges me daily and I have fantastic, caring coworkers. I have a strong brain and a stronger character (hence why I have lived the last 2 years without one single spiteful action – yay me!). I have hobbies and activities that give me an outlet for stress. I have food in my pantry (which someday I’ll get to eat again) and I have heat in the winter and A/C in the summer. I have a wide and diverse group of people that I truly care about.  I have four-legged furry children who love me unconditionally. What amazing things do you have in your life to be grateful for? What people can cheer you up, make you laugh, help you out, cry with you, and love you always? What blessings have YOU been given?

November means Thanksgiving and I think too often we forget the origins of the holiday – thanks giving! So instead of grumbling and being grouchy this month, I think I’ll choose the “humbly grateful” option. Thank you Lord for giving me life, friends, family and love. Thank you Father for giving me a life that is filled with laughs and lessons. Thank you God for the challenges and obstacles you have given me – it has made me stronger, wiser, and more tolerant. I am truly grateful and humbled by the blessings you have given to me.

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Today is what I would (now and probably forever) consider a bittersweet day in my life – today would have been my wedding anniversary. I look back at the young and trusting person that I was just those 6 short years ago when we got married and I weep for the innocence lost and the dreams and memories that I will never make. I mourn the death of that marriage – I loved that man and I liked being married. I mourn for the happy person that I was that beautiful autumn day and I am sad for the good, decent man who has become not so much.

Now, I do fully understand how lucky I am to be out of  my marriage. Staying with a man who had been unfaithful and dishonest with me for the entire length of our relationship would have been foolish and toxic. Continuing to try to fix an unfixable situation would have eventually caused major psychic and physical damage to me. I spent so much time and emotional energy trying to make myself more attractive, interesting, and appealing to him – not knowing that he was…uh…otherwise involved. I am jumping for joy at the independence and stability that I have earned since ending things with him. I am eternally grateful that the Lord only burdened me with him for the short time – its only 10 years of my life gone, after all. I truly am a stronger person now having gone through all of this and I can hold my head high that I did nothing wrong except to love the wrong person.

However, with all that said, I am still sad today. As much as my mind tells me how lucky I am to be out, my heart still breaks for what I have lost. A few tears may be shed at some point today for the scars that I bear and the hurts that I still carry because of that once-happy day 6 years ago.

I will pray, once more, for forgiveness to enter my heart and for the hurts to go away. And I will give prayers of thanks for the stronger person I am now. Like I said, a very bittersweet day indeed…

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To whoever says my job isn’t difficult: have you ever tried to tactfully schedule an office visit for a squirrel with a self-inflicted scrotal injury? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

This is a true story. One of our clients called and needed to see one of our small animal vets because his squirrel had, for some unknown reason, done harm to himself. What ran through my mind was a mixture of disgust (ew!), horror (why that area of his body?), pity (that poor baby), and curiosity (what’s mentally wrong with this animal?). I have been around animals all of my life and have seen some pretty grotesque sights – but this one even made me cringe. And I’m not even a guy so I lack that sensitivity on the subject of ManLand!

But, this got me thinking – what kind of harm do we humans inflict on ourselves? We may not all be as….er…obvious about our self-inflicted scars as the squirrel was, but like it or not we all do this sort of stuff to ourselves. Sometimes its physical mutilation (cutting, eating disorders, piercing/tattoo addictions, plastic surgery addictions, etc.) but I think mostly its mental and emotional. I think we all beat ourselves up, inflicting a variety of short- and long-term injuries, over a plethora of topics – work, relationships, children, marriage, friends, holidays, schools, etc.

Think about it – what scars are you carrying with you that you inflicted on yourself? What internal stress have you allowed to cause pain and suffering? What have you mentally sliced yourself up about?

Take it from an expert – on both squirrels AND emotional mutilation – nothing is worth harming yourself over! No person or subject on the planet is worth any extensive harm you might do to yourself! Forgive, forget, and look for something wonderful on the horizon! Have faith that the Lord has a plan and has something amazing in store for you! How’s that for a Pollyanna moment?

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Ok, now before you start reading this, you MUST click on the link above and have the song playing in the background while you’re reading. Besides one of the most heartbreaking melodies in music history, this song has just the perfect tone for what I’m typing.

Lynyrd Skynyrd’s “Tuesday’s Gone” was written about the loss of a relationship but it has really become so much more than that. To college students everywhere, it’s the signal for an empty keg or a party that’s run out of booze. For music historians, it’s a puzzle about who is “Tuesday” (sort of like Carly Simon’s “Vain”). For classic rock fans, it’s a haunting reminder of how short life is (see the story of Lynyrd Skynyrd and the tragic plane crash). But for me, it’s about loss and the past and moving on towards something new.

The past is a lonely country, especially if you have troubles or sorrow or tragedy in that rearview mirror. It can, however, also have its bittersweet moments, those times when you laugh through your tears. When you remember a happy time in the midst of great loss, when love outshines the grief.  I think we’ve all had those times when, despite a hardship, we have found a silver lining, a moment of peace, a smile.

Those smiles are what makes it easier to move forward. Tuesday may be gone but Friday is coming, right? Train roll on, I may not know where I’m going. But I know that I have some wonderful moments behind me. Some happy, some sad, many bittersweet, and many full of love – but all of them making me who I am. The past can’t be ignored or forgotten – like train tracks laid behind us, the events behind us have carried us to this point – so use it as the foundation for what lies ahead…

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I have been doing a lot of thinking lately as to why I started (and have continued) this blog. Many people have weighed in, both positively and negatively, on my writings – but I’m not sure that I’m writing it for anyone else but myself. I have learned a lot about myself by putting my thoughts down for the world to see. I’m not writing to hurt anyone or to cause hard feelings, I’m not hosting my own pity party, I’m not using an easy outlet for my anger and bitterness. I’m not publicly exposing the secrets and foibles of my family and friends (with the exception of my lying, cheating bastard of an ex-husband) and I’m not ridiculing the people I love. I am simply exploring who I am and what I want in this world.

I am reading an absolutely fantastic book right now called Eat, Pray, Love about one woman’s attempt to find herself. She was lucky enough to have the money to travel all over the world to discover herself – a luck which I don’t share – but she wrote about her experiences. I wonder if she took a lot of crap for having written about her friends, family, and strangers that she met along the way? I wonder if people took offense when she dared to include them in her stories or to express her opinions about their actions.

I can’t apologize for my observations on the world and for finding my voice. I am only just relearning how to express myself and my feelings. Granted, I probably shouldn’t be using the Internet as a way to redefine myself – my ex-husband is right that it is an awfully public forum – but I wonder if I need the sense of commiseration and companionship? It comforts me somehow when I know someone somewhere has read what I have to say and has listened to me. I know that sounds pathetic but it’s true. I like knowing that someone out there may be feeling the way that I do or may be going through the same life-changing events that I am.

But, lastly, I write because it makes me happy.

“In addition to her secret pleasure in reading, Laura enjoyed writing. Nothing serious or big or personal, no journal stuffed between the mattresses, no shoe box filled with smudged pages, no amazing blog that had made her famous in cyberspace. She was satisfied with a small stage…this method of relationship was far more gratifying to her than speaking by phone or in person. For one thing, she was an entirely different Laura on the screen; she liked herself far better in print. It was curious, that she was so much more interesting and witty and sure when no other human being was present…”   ~”Laura Rider’s Masterpiece” by Jane Hamilton

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When’s the day you start again
And when the hell does you’ll get over it begin
I’m looking hard in the mirror but I don’t fit my skin
It’s too much to take, it’s too hard to break me
From the cell I’m in
Oh from this moment on
I’m changing the way I feel yeah
From this moment on , it’s time to get a real

Cause I still don’t know how to act
Don’t know what to say
Still wear the scars like it was yesterday
But you’re long gone and moved on
Cause you’re long gone
But I still don’t know where to start, still finding my way
Still talk about you like it was yesterday
But you’re long gone, and moved on

So how’d you pick the pieces up yeah
I’m barely used to sayin ‘me’ instead of ‘us’
The elephant in the room keeps scarin off the guests
It gets under my skin to see you with him
And it’s not me that you’re with

No I can’t keep thinking that you’re coming back, no
Cause I got no business knowing where you’re at, no
And it’s gonna be hard yeah
Cause I have to wanna heal, yeah
And its gonna be hard yeah
The way I feel that I have to get real

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