I recently made some very off-color remarks about my ex-husband in a small gathering of friends. Emboldened by a few too many beers – which I know is a poor excuse – and FINALLY feeling more comfortable around my friends in the firehouse after a many-year distance, I said some things that I know I shouldn’t have said.
After this incident, my best friend called me on my behavior, expressed how disappointed she was in me. She pointed out that, after so many years of my taking the High Road and working so hard to remain classy and respectable, I had taken a major left turn. I had undone some of the progress I had made since my divorce and the Ugly Moments that nearly killed me. I have abandoned that High Road in one stupid moment. Her disappointment was justified and true. My best friend wasn’t wrong and I do admit that it was one of my least classy moments.
I have broken myself trying to prove that I could be better than two people who broke every moral, social, and emotional code that I can think of. But, as Rihanna says, “all of my kindness is taken for weakness.” I truly believe that the people around me didn’t recognize or respect the fact that I was trying to be a good person. I think they just saw me as weak and unable to confront my own demons. But those people are wrong, I’m not weak or afraid – I’m just sad and angry.
And it’s a bitter pill to swallow to admit that I am still angry after all of these years. I would love to be able to forgive and forget – I pray for that every day of my life. But that little seed of anger has just remained, buried deep and masked by my smile, and it just sits there waiting for moments of bad behavior when my Inner Bitch comes out.
I’m not going to hide my pain or mask my anger any more – I’m putting it out here for the world to see. But I’m not going to let the Inner Bitch drink and go on a rant anymore, either, and let it out in quite so classless a way again. I will try to take back that High Road. But I am willing to admit to myself that the toxic anger is still there – and needs to be worked on. I WANT to be kind, I WANT to forgive, and I WANT to be strong. And that Inner Bitch needs to be locked up tight.
Thank God for friends who call us out on our bad behavior and help us to be better people.