Truth I Can Tell

Today should have been my 13th wedding anniversary. I wish I could tell you that every year I celebrate this as a Remembrance Day and salute my empowerment, my survival, my rebuilding. I wish I could brag that I am awash each year on this date with forgiveness and kindness. But those would be lies. I have to admit that this day always fills me with sadness, anger, bitterness, regret. Mostly its sadness for what I lost – or maybe never really had – with the end of my marriage.

But this year, I am going to try to remember how strong I am now, how much my life is better because I survived that experience, how I walked through hell and came out the other side with my head held high. I’m very lucky, actually, because I was given the challenge to find a better part of myself – brave, tough, strong.

Every day is a challenge to rebuild myself. And someday I hope that anger and sadness go away. But for today, I just wish that part of my life farewell and tuck those truths deeper away.

“Praying” by Kesha

Well, you almost had me fooled
Told me that I was nothing without you
Oh, but after everything you’ve done
I can thank you for how strong I have become
‘Cause you brought the flames and you put me through hell
I had to learn how to fight for myself
And we both know all the truth I could tell
I’ll just say this is “I wish you farewell”

I hope you’re somewhere prayin’, prayin’
I hope your soul is changin’, changin’
I hope you find your peace
Falling on your knees, prayin’
I’m proud of who I am

No more monsters, I can breathe again
And you said that I was done
Well, you were wrong and now the best is yet to come
‘Cause I can make it on my own, oh
And I don’t need you, I found a strength I’ve never known
I’ll bring thunder, I’ll bring rain, oh
When I’m finished, they won’t even know your name
You brought the flames and you put me through hell

Ah sometimes, I pray for you at night, oh
Someday, maybe you’ll see the light
Whoa oh oh oh, some say, in life, you’re gonna get what you give
But some things only God can forgive

Songwriters: Andrew Joslyn,Benjamin Manusama,Kesha Sebert,Ryan Lewis
© Warner/Chappell Music, Inc.,Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC,BMG Rights Management,Kobalt Music Publishing Ltd

Read Full Post »

Revisiting Columbine

Nineteen years ago today, I was in college when the tragic events of Columbine High School unfolded with the eyes of the world watching. I know it wasn’t the first horrific act of terrorism in the world – but it was among the first that my generation had ever witnessed. I remember watching in horror the footage of high school kids, themselves just a few years younger than me, jumping out of windows and running from their school covered in blood and mute in terror. Our tears flowed as security footage showed teachers throwing themselves in front of students to shield them from bullets. Shocked, we watched news footage of law enforcement teams struggling to respond to what was then unplanned-for and unheard-of attacks against children. We organized vigils on campus to raise awareness of the violence that had befallen our generation. We sold ribbons [one of which to this day adorns my work bag], to raise money to send to the fund organized to pay for funerals for the fallen students and teacher. We tried in vain to wrap our young minds around the senseless violence, the hate, the anger, the bloodshed.

Almost twenty years later, we now sit in the aftermath of the high school shooting in Parkland, Florida. And the same feelings pour out – fear for our children, sadness that our world has devolved even further. I shudder to think of what kids must feel when they go to school now, wondering if one day one of their classmates is going to go off the deep end and bring an assault rifle in his tuba case. These children are now organizing walkouts of the classroom to raise awareness for their fear and their desire to be safe – further, and to my mind much more aggressive, steps down the pathway that I started down all those years ago on my college campus. From candlelight vigils to protest walkouts, young people are the ones who are begging adults to take note of their fear, their sadness, their desire for a better world. I just hope that those same kids that are walking out are now also making pledges to be kinder, more giving, more loving human beings. I hope cyber-bullying and “Mean Girls” will become distant memories. Just as we should have done after Columbine, we have to teach our children how to be loving, functioning adults who don’t need guns to solve their problems.

Unfortunately, from Columbine to Parkland, there have been hundreds of mass shootings in between. All perpetrated by people who are seriously mentally ill, monumentally angry, and completely lacking in conscience and moral guidance. We, as a society, now see these shootings on such a regular basis that I’m afraid we are becoming complacent to them. I fear they no longer strike the fear and horror in our hearts like Columbine did. How can we accept these acts of hate as everyday events?

I recently went through a training with our town police representatives on active shooter responses. In our world today, after September 11^th and all of these domestic terrorist attacks, I no longer train just for everyday house fires or car accidents – now we have to drill on active assailants and mass acts of terror. Hearing some of the unedited 9-1-1 calls and radio transmissions from Columbine, I was physically ill with the sounds of the abject terror and bewildered shock in those kids’ voices. And those same scenes are just replaying and rerunning at every one of those mass shooting incidents. And now to think that teachers are having to be trained in defense techniques and combat skills to protect kindergarteners from lunatics with rifles! What is wrong with our world? How can we fix this? The same questions that ran through our minds 19 years ago after Columbine are still begging for answers now.

Read Full Post »

Surviving 15 Years

At the annual banquet for my volunteer fire department last week, I was both honored and amazed to receive my 15-year service stripe. 2017 marked 15 years of volunteerism and endless learning about fire, rescue and EMS operations for me – but those years have also taught me lessons in brotherhood, loss, service, upheaval, fear, bravery, disenchantment, persistence, change, frustration, giving, and surviving.

Here is what I *thought* fire service would be: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is what I *hoped* fire service would be:  

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Here is what the fire service really *is*: 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

And in the immortal words of Forrest Gump, that’s all I have to say about that. But, seriously, to the men and women that I have had the honor of serving with for the last 15 years, thank you for all that you do. And thank you for letting me serve beside you.

Read Full Post »

It’s Hard to Dance with the Devil on Your Back

Regrets collect like old friends
Here to relive your darkest moments
I can see no way, I can see no way
And all of the ghouls come out to play

And every demon wants his pound of flesh
But I like to keep some things to myself
I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn

And I’ve been a fool and I’ve been blind
I can never leave the past behind
I can see no way, I can see no way
I’m always dragging that horse around

Our love is pastured such a mournful sound
Tonight I’m gonna bury that horse in the ground
So I like to keep my issues strong
But it’s always darkest before the dawn
Shake it out, shake it out

artwork by AnnyAlice

Shake it out, shake it out,
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.

 

‘Cause I am done with my graceless heart
So tonight I’m gonna cut it out and then restart
‘Cause I like to keep my issues strong
It’s always darkest before the dawn.

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out,
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.

I tried to dance with the devil on my back
And given half the chance would I take any of it back
It’s a final mess but it’s left me so empty
It’s always darkest before the dawn.

And I’m damned if I do and I’m damned if I don’t
So here’s to drinks in the dark at the end of my road
And I’m ready to suffer and I’m ready to hope
It’s a shot in the dark and right at my throat
‘Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me
Looking for heaven, for the devil in me
Well what the hell I let it happen to me

Shake it out, shake it out
Shake it out, shake it out,
And it’s hard to dance with a devil on your back
So shake him off.

“Shake It Out” by Florence and the Machine

Written by Paul Epworth, Tom Hull, Florence Welch • Copyright © Sony/ATV Music Publishing LLC, Universal Music Publishing Group

 

Read Full Post »

Witness to My Life

There are very few times any more that I truly miss being married. Let’s face it – I didn’t have the ideal marital situation. Neither of us was really in it with the right expectations and its a part of my history that I usually try to put aside, to forget as best I can. Yet there are times when, like brief flashes of lightning that jolt my world and cause an almost physical pain, that I realize what I am missing. I feel, more and more as time passes, that I have past my expiration date, that I had my one chance to be married and I screwed it up. And that makes me really sad. Not sad for the man that I lost (because, let’s face it, he has definitely turned into an A-1 dillweed!) but sad for the fact that I may never have a marriage, that lifelong connection to a loved one, again.

I was raised in a home with 2 happily married parents – an oddity even in my growing up years. More and more of my friends’ parents divorced as I got older and, by the time I was in high school, I began to realize how special a lasting marriage truly is. My mom and dad are partners in ever sense of the word. I’m sure they suffer through the rough times and the typical spousal frustrations of any marriage – but they have stuck together for over 40 years. If one forgets something, the other will remember – if one falls down, the other one picks them up and helps them keep going – if one has a tough time, the other one is there to hold their hand and promise to support them. I envy them their marriage, their partnership, their team.

There was a movie on tv today that I hadn’t seen in years – “Shall We Dance?” – with Richard Gere and J-Lo. This movie, which centers around a man frustrated with his humdrum life and looking for something to challenge him, has one of the best definitions of marriage I think I’ve ever heard:

”We need a witness to our lives. There’s a billion people on the planet, what does any one life really mean? But in a marriage, you’re promising to care about everything. The good things, the bad things, the terrible things, the mundane things, all of it, all of the time, every day. You’re saying ‘Your life will not go unnoticed because I will notice it. Your life will not go unwitnessed because I will be your witness’.”

It’s funny, I liked this quote so much that I had it printed in our bulletins for our wedding way back in the day. We all know that I love my quotes – been stealing other peoples’ wisdom for years – and I really liked this one from the moment I heard it. Back then, I was so naively optimistic about being married and being in love. Now this quote seems to ring with a certain irony.

I’ve lost my witness, the only person that could testify to my life, so now I wonder if that was it for me, my one chance. I know that I have friends and family that love me – but they all have their own spouses and children whose lives need witnessing. Who will be a witness to my life, to love me unconditionally through good days and bad? Who will help me pass the time on this planet, into old age and into the grave? Why has God chosen for me to go through life without a partner? Who will be the witness to my life…?

Read Full Post »

Food Porn

Exactly three months ago today, I was sitting in the OR having my guts rearranged like some freaky science experiment. I have been doing a lot of thinking about that today – first because I had to go and give my 17 vials of blood for post-op testing (have to be sure I’m getting enough nutrients) and also because as a historian I just can’t miss an opportunity to ponder the past. It has been an interesting ride since the surgery, to say the very least. Eating is now a daily chore, a source of fuel but rarely of enjoyment – which, I guess, is a good thing considering how much I relied on food as comfort and love pre-surgery.

One of the most interesting things that I have learned on my new journey towards becoming thin and healthy is that the bariatric surgery community is its own unique subculture, full of people who can openly share experiences that others won’t understand. The community even has its own distinct language. Vocabulary words like “pouch” (the new stomach formation) and “nut” (short for nutritionist) and “sliders” (foods that go down too easily and can cause overeating or lapses into old food habits) are just some of the new lexicon.

One of my favorite new phrases is “food porn.” I think this one actually should take off in the world at large, since every person I know has one or two food items that they would enjoy seeing made in a television show or a recipe online.  It goes beyond a lukewarm “hey, I really like that _____ (fill in the food name here)” into a lustful, passionate, “oh my god I must have that NOW” sort of feeling.  It’s the food that causes you to want to lick the television screen if you see a commercial for it.

Interestingly, I was very concerned before my surgery that this kind of food porn (especially with sweets – pies, cakes, cookies, etc.) would drive me absolutely insane. In the first few weeks after my surgery, during my recovery period at home when, at first I couldn’t drive (drugs were too good) and then later when there were few non-food events that I wanted to attend, food commercials and cooking shows DID drive me towards distraction – but NOT for the sweets. I could have cared less for all the wonderful Halloween candy commercials or Thanksgiving dessert shows. It was the protein sources that were and are the biggest cause of stress for. Outback Steakhouse commercials, for example, are especially painful. Sure, the other ‘junk’ I used to eat (donuts, pizza, mozzarella sticks) occasionally appear before me like the evil temptors that they are – but its the images of chicken, beef, and pork that haunt my days and nights.

In my usual contrary way, though, the Food Porn is what has kept me sane through the last 3 months. Nowadays, when I am feeling especially low, I will turn on a cooking show or desperately search the internet for a recipe. I don’t know if this is so I can pretend that I live a normal life again or if its simply some for of masochistic torture for my stomach. Whatever the psychology behind it, looking at food pictures and recipes fills some sort of need and keeps me from being one super-cranky bitch. So all of you who have to deal with me on a daily basis should really thank your lucky stars for the Food Network and those recipe websites!

Read Full Post »

Christmas 2011 – Wreaths

I have always loved the sight of a lighted, beribboned wreath hanging on a front door, beckoning people to come in. It always gave me such pleasure to hang the wreath on my door and to welcome others into my home.

In pondering the various shapes, sizes, and styles of wreaths that you can buy at Lowes or Wal-mart the other day, I was struck by one simple fact – has anyone ever noticed the shape of most wreaths?

They are circles of evergreen. They are, like the circle of life, unbroken and strong. They are,  like the people around us every day, sometimes prickly, mostly cheerful, and usually a sign of a living home. They are often adorned with bright ribbons or ornaments, but the base foundation is a sturdy circle of welcoming warmth.

The wreath is such a simple decoration, really. Very pagan, I know, but also under-appreciated. I had always loved them just because they were so darn inviting and festive. But now….now I look at them in a whole new way.

Now I see that I would like to be a wreath, able to be decorated for any season, frequently sparkling, and possessing a strong foundation of ever-green faith.  Battered by winds or snow, still able to hang in there and continue to welcome people into my life. So my prayer today….dear God, please make me a wreath…

Read Full Post »

Christmas 2011 – A Candle For Christmas

‘Tis the season for candles – scented delights to buy for grandma in the stores, twinkling electric bulbs beckoning from the windows, advent tapers lit every Sunday in church. It’s a time for candles and celebrations of family, friendship, and faith.

I am reminded, every time that I look at a candle, of a song I was taught a long time ago that reminded us all that “it is better to light just one little candle than to stumble in the dark…if everyone lit just one little candle what a bright world this would be.”

This is the time of year that always has made me want to make the world a better place – lighting my proverbial candle and shining bright.

For those of you who don’t know, my world fell apart a while back and I am having real trouble shining bright during the holidays.  I’ve watched my illusions shatter, my dreams get shredded, and my life derail. How then can a person find any hope or peace in this wonderful time of year? It would be so easy to get bogged down in the depression andthe fear and the bitterness – but I choose instead to light a new candle and shine bright and NOT curse the darkness!

The day that my separation papers were signed, I made an appointment for a new tattoo. And for the art, I chose a celtic cross (for my heritage) with a maltese cross inset (for my firefighting family) and the following words: “What is to give light must endure the burning.” This quote is from Holocaust survivor Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning.

Almost everyone who has seen the tattoo gives me a blank stare or a puzzled look when they read the quote. I’m sure it seems strange for a firefighter to advocate the burning of anything. However, the reason I chose this quote is to remind myself that, in order to shine bright, I must get through bad moments and ended relationships. I have to survive the shattering in order to rebuild on my foundation.

I firmly believe that God has a plan for me and that He has not abandoned me. I have to believe that, to have faith in that simple fact or else I will no longer have any hope for the future. I will try to rest in God’s arms for a while to allow myself to heal, to hope, and to trust.

So this Christmas season, I am going to relight my candle and move on with my life. I don’t know what lies ahead for me – it’s so hard to be alone at this time of year. But I will not let the darkness defeat me; I will survive the burning and shine forth!

Read Full Post »

Christmas 2011 – A Home For the Holidays

Last year, the first Christmas I had spent as a non-married person, was a rough time for me. For the first time ever, I understood why the suicide rate climbs and depression medications sell as fast as Nintendo systems during the holidays. I needed something to cheer me up and remind me why I have always LOVED the holiday season! So I started a series of Facebook notes intended only to improve my own Christmas spirit – but it ended up being fairly popular with my friends (at least the ones that were willing to read my own self-indulgent ponderings). I liked that series so much that I have tweaked it a bit and am blogging it again this year. Hope you all enjoy!

It is a tradition in my family that I go home to western New York for my family Christmas. I have not missed a holiday on South Street ever in my life and, as of now, I don’t plan to. I had thought that, when I have children of my own, I might have to change the tradition – but we all know now that’s a very unlikely event and hence the tradition remains intact. I will go HOME this year for Christmas as always before.

I think it was easy for me, while I was in college, to make the trek for the holidays. Classes had ended, exams had been stressful, and I needed some good old-fashioned home cooking (oh, and the laundry machines were free at home). When I moved to Maryland, I thought it might be difficult and expensive to make that trip home – but it didn’t prove to be. If anything, I loved dragging my husband back to the snow-draped wonder of my hometown. I was thrilled to share our family traditions with a man who seemed to have none. And, to give credit where credit is due, my husband was very good about going – considering that he hated cold, was indifferent to the holidays, and really was overwhelmed by my loving family – he was a good sport about going every year.

And even now, knowing how much of a mess I have made of my life and how I have failed at all of the goals I set for myself so long ago, I still can’t wait to see the twinkling lights and candles aglow in the windows of my childhood home. I have trouble facing the disappointment I feel for the life I lost – and the heartbreaking loneliness – but someone those childhood ornaments on the tree and cookies in the oven will heal my soul. I am truly lucky to have somewhere like that to go!

I challenge all of my friends and family to look around at their homes this season and cherish what you have. Not only the roof over your heads and the warm blankets on your beds, not just the glittering Christmas tree and wrapped packages – I want you all to examine and appreciate your families, the people that share your lives!

Merriam-Webster Dictionary gives one of the definitions for “home” as a familiar or usual setting, a congenial environment. And, while the material trappings of the holidays do make our home comfortable and congenial, it is the people who live with us that make our homes.

You can’t really appreciate how special and wonderful and important a warm and happy home is until you no longer have one. Until you are lonely or uncomfortable or sad or distressed in your house, you will never be able to fully embrace how special a warm, loving environment can be.

I can tell you, here and now, how awful it is to be alone during the holidays, to have nothing happy left in your house to create a home. So I want my dear friends to be sure to enjoy THEIR happy homes for me this year! I will live through you and treasure your families as though they are my own. And I will be content in the knowledge that the people I love most have VERY happy homes!

Meanwhile, New York,  here I come…bring on the snow…

Read Full Post »

Losses and Gains

It is days like today when I am reminded of the things that I have lost and then, almost immediately, reminded of what I have gained. It is rough, as I would love to wallow in the self-pity of being abandoned and alone – and then I get hit with the reality of really, how very lucky I am now. I can dwell on the losses of the last year – or I can choose to celebrate the gains. What kind of a person do I want to be?

It would be so easy for me to live in a constant state of fear and anger and bitterness. Hell, those would be comfortable zones for me to live in, not a difficult leap – so many times I have all of those emotions running through my mind. And yet, I really don’t WANT to be that girl. I don’t want to be the kind of ex-wife that turns nasty and vindictive. I was thinking about some of the people that I know in my life that have gone through divorces – both male and female – and comparing their styles of handling their situations. Some opt for resigned indifference, some have gone in for just plain mean, and others have come out with better lives, second spouses, and happier homes. I would SO MUCH rather be the type of person that is in the latter category. I want to learn from the last 10 years, grow from it, remember the lessons learned, and move on with my life. I don’t want to be the mean and nasty person who just can’t let go.

And I am lucky, truly. I have a wonderful circle of friends who love me and accept me for who I am, even the bitter and angry self that appears occasionally. I have guy friends who can look at me and tell me that it’s time to get over it; and I have girl friends that plot theoretical (!)  homicide schemes. I have close friends who have hugged me while I cried, picked up the pieces with me, and who will support me no matter where life leads me. And I have learned a lot about myself from the last year. I have figured out (or at least have started to figure out) how I want to be treated and the kind of person I want to truly share my life with. I have learned that I DO have a brain and a backbone and that they aren’t gone forever. I have learned that it’s not ok for someone to treat me badly – and I have to try, daily, to remind myself that I deserve better. And I have learned the value of having someone (or several someones) who will hold your hand, let you cry, and love you regardless.

If this were the stock market, I think I’d be doing quite well. I won’t stress over the losses – I will instead be grateful for the gains and try to find contentment in who I am now….

Read Full Post »