The “Easy Way” Out?

My regular readers will have noticed that I have been absent from my keyboard for an unforgivable lapse in time. I have been busily preparing for what (I hope) has become a turning point in my journey on this planet. After 30+ years of being an overweight American, I made the very difficult decision (and even more difficult process) to have a roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery. It has taken me a long time to work up the courage to publicly admit that I had chosen this path – so please be gentle in the cyber commenting. I had the surgery done last Thursday and am now waiting anxiously for the pounds to come off…

Where do I begin in my story of being fat? I was born at 10 pounds – a big girl from the start – and have just kept going from there! As part of the psychological process of preparing for my surgery, I had to sit down and create a timeline of all the different diets, weight loss medications, fads, programs, and support groups that I have used on my journey to become thin. This was an amazingly enlightening experience, as I realized that this truly has been a lifelong struggle – my list was over 4 pages long and my first diet was when I was in 3^rd GRADE!  And, I am sorry to say, the world around me wasn’t prepared to accept my size. High schoolers are not known for their kindness or compassion – and being the fat kid all the way through school was rough. Hence, I have major self-esteem and self-confidence issues and some pretty heavy body image baggage to carry. I don’t blame anyone else for those emotional issues but myself – if I were a stronger person I would have learned to deal with things differently and I wouldn’t let my physical appearance effect how I think of myself. It is a struggle daily for me, to this day, to be a fat person in a thin world.

When I did mention to some of those nearest, dearest, and most important to me what I was doing with the surgery, I actually heard two different people tell me that I was taking the “easy way out” and that I could lose the weight if I just tried harder.  Obviously, with that list I created, I think I can prove I have tried as hard as humanly possible and just couldn’t do it!

This was the perfect time in my life to move forward with this. My husband left me almost 2 years ago for another woman and I had spent the last 10 years of my life with him, feeling pretty bad about myself. I hit my birthday with a vengeance this past summer and began to get very scared that I was going to grow old and fat and totally alone. The “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” commercials began to give me nightmares as I visualized myself living like that, alone with my cats and growing ever-fatter. I didn’t want to become Gilbert Grape’s mother! And I realized that I have been playing a pretty scary game of Russian roulette with my health – morbid obesity leads to massive strokes, heart problems, joint issues, liver and kidney breakdown, etc. And the final straw was when I realized that I couldn’t do some things that I really wanted to  because I was too damn fat. I want to get out and be active and live a long life (hey Talbot Fair Plays, are you paying attention?!)!  I also don’t want to be The Fat Chick anymore – I want to have a positive body image and the self-confidence of knowing that I am beautiful and healthy.

So that’s how I got here. And I can tell you right here and right now that this is NOT an easy decision!! Nothing about this journey has been EASY! You have to go through 6 months of nutritional counseling and dieting before the insurance companies will even consider you. Then you have to have a battery of tests to make sure you’re healthy enough – cardiologists, gynecologists, internists, nutritionists, psychologists and on and on and on. THEN, once you’ve done all that, you have to do all the preop testing – 37 different blood tests, EKGs, pregnancy tests, upper GIs, xrays, CT scans (I think, by the time this is over and done with, I will have tried every imaginable piece of equipment available at Shore Health). It is only then that you get to actually go have the surgery done – and I encourage every one of you to click on the link and see exactly what it is they have done to my guts. It will force you to respect the millions of people like me who have put their bodies through this! And now, 7 days out from surgery, I can tell you it STILL isn’t easy. I can only eat 2-3 mouthfuls of food at a time, I have to drink my weight in water and protein supplements, and I have a pill chest for daily meds that you could pack a Buick into. I will have to take supplements and vitamins for the rest of my life and live forever on a small-portion, protein-forward, sweets-forbidden diet.

So, to those of you who might think I’ve taken the “easy way” to becoming skinny, I can assure you I haven’t. I’ve chosen the only option I had available to give me a longer, healthier life. I’m very excited about this exciting new path in my journey and I can’t wait for what lies ahead!

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Choosing Off the Menu

It’s funny how much of my life can be related to food – so stereotypical of a fat girl to say, I know. As I draw nearer and nearer to the date on which I give up my old food habits, I can’t help but see food in everything I do, see, say, love, and enjoy. I will expand more upon the eating changes at some later point, as I find the courage to deal with the issue publicly. But for right now, suffice it to say that I am reevaluating my relationship with food and making some major changes.

One of the biggest realizations I have come to is that I need to put people back to the top of the things that I love in this world. I have found myself drawing further and further into solitude as a way of dealing with the hurts and stress of the past 2 years.  I have been retreating further and further from people in a way to avoid stress, hurt, rejection, and pain. This ‘diet’ cannot be healthy for me – and certainly must be hurtful to the people around me.

So I am putting my relationships with my friends and family, the truly important people in my world, back to the top of my menu! I am once again going to feast at the table of the world around me. People are, in my theory, like a giant restaurant – sometimes a buffet, sometimes a fancy steakhouse, sometimes a fast food joint, sometimes an exotic foreign eatery. There are millions of different types of people out there and sometimes you have to be brave and try something new. Sometimes you’ll find that people are bitter or rotten but more often, I would like to think, people are sweet and unique and full of their own unique ‘flavors.’ But remember that the menu isn’t a la carte – people aren’t side dishes.  You can’t pick and choose what qualities they have and don’t have – you have to accept them and enjoy them for all of their ‘flavors’!

As I redefine my relationship with food, I am also going to redefine my relationship with the human race. I am no longer as trusting and naive as I once was – but that’s ok. I’ve tried a few really bad dishes in the past 2 years – I am now ready for a new menu!

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Lots of Love to Give

My mother, bless her heart, has never been a real big fan of mine. I don’t think she particularly dislikes me, I just don’t think she particularly “gets” me. She doesn’t understand the choices I’ve made in my life (moving far away, taking jobs outside of my degrees, joining the fire department, etc.) but she does make it clear to me that she loves me. She loves my brother MORE but that’s a whole ‘nother post.

But, when I was home this past weekend, my mom made a very curious (and touching) statement to me. She told me that she firmly believed I would NOT (as I fear) end up the crazy cat lady, alone and unloved. My mom actually told me that I have “so much love to give” that it was impossible that someone wouldn’t someday realize that and marry me quick.

This got me to thinking – and I hate to admit it but my mom is RIGHT! I do have SO much to offer someone! Why can’t the people around me see this? Why was it so easy for my life partner to walk away from me?

I am a good spouse:  I like being married and having someone to share my life with. I like to do housework and yardwork. I listen and try to offer support to my loved one. I cook and I bake. Ok, so I’m not so keen on cleaning but a little mess and dust isn’t fatal, right? I do laundry and I can iron when pressed (haha, bad pun). I know I’m not the ideal of beauty (just a few too many curves in the wrong places) and I don’t spend enough time trying to be feminine. But I am smart and able to carry on intelligent conversations. I love baseball, beer, and good jokes. And I love deeply, unconditionally, and totally.

But, more importantly, I am also a good human being: I am a loving, giving person. I do not judge others’ based on their looks or their flaws. I do not begrudge people their past mistakes or actions (or in some cases, their *4* past actions) – as Matthew 7:1 says, “judge not lest ye be judged.” I try to look for the good in others and have often suffered hurts and pains because I believed (and continue to believe) that the good is there. I believe in the Pollyanna view on life, that there are things all around us to be glad in. I am kind to animals, children, and senior citizens. I am intelligent and good. Ok, I admit I did leave ‘sweet’ and ‘innocent’ behind a LONG time ago, but I don’t think I have ever intentionally hurt someone else. I love my friends, my family, and my Lord –  and I give them everything I have.

So I’m going to hope desperately that my mom was right. I pray that someday, someone will realize all of the love that I have to give!  And, if that someone is out there reading this, remember that my love is unconditional and free, no strings attached. No judgements, no past baggage, and no negativity. Just simple kindness, love, support, and friendship.

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My New Career – Agent Afloat…

I have discovered the new career I want: an NCIS Agent Afloat. Yes, really. Think about it – a boat, blue water, world travel, crime-solving, and oh those uniforms!  I absolutely love “NCIS” and I’m thinking a career in naval service could be quite…interesting….

I have decided that when I grow up, I would LOVE to be Abby. She’s a strong, independent, intelligent, quirky woman – oh, wait, maybe I already am all of that! I don’t sleep in coffins or have the spiderweb tattoo or have the ability to even tell you what a gas chromatograph does but I guess I qualify in a lot of other ways. One of the guys at the firehouse told me the other night that I was stubborn and opinionated – and swears that those were compliments. Ha, guess I’ll take the positive outlook on that – I would much rather be smart and know my own mind (and how to express it) than to be dull-as-dishwater, meek, and submissive.

I had this friend in high school that was one of the smartest females I have ever met – book smart, people smart, street smart. And yet every time a person of the male persuasion was near her, it was like her brains fell out of her head. She had (consciously or subconsciously, I’ve never known) trained herself that she needed to play the brainless bimbo routine in order to make men like her. It was one of the saddest things I’ve ever observed – a gorgeous, intelligent woman ashamed to be herself.

Anyway, I digress. If I want to be Abby, shouldn’t I want to work in a lab? Well, sure, but there are 2 problems with that: 1) I was terrible in science in school and couldn’t solve today’s crossword puzzle (let alone major crimes) with scientific equipment and 2) I wouldn’t get to….um…”experience” the navy that way. I admit it, I have a thing for men in uniform – how do you think I ended up married to a fireman? And if I were stuck in a lab all day, I don’t think I’d meet many of them.

The Agent Afloat, however, gets to be onboard a ship, surrounded by water and gorgeous men. And you get to visit exotic locales – AND serve your country! Throw in mysteries and the chance to meet a real-life Gibbs, Tony, or McGee – I’m in! I think I could be the next Ziva, what do you think? I would be one tough chick with a gun, a badge, and a ship full of uniformed personnel!!

P.S. – if you’ve read this entire post and have no idea what I’m talking about, then get yourself to a Blockbuster and pick up the DVD sets of “NCIS” right now – and shame on you for missing out on one of TV’s best shows! Next you’ll tell me you never saw M.A.S.H. or The Cosby Show….

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One Insult, Three Very Sharp Arrows

Recently I realized that I must make it too easy for people to push my buttons. I’ve always known that I wear my heart on my sleeve but didn’t realize that it made me such an easy target. I didn’t realize that my foibles and insecurities and heartbreaks and shortcomings were so blatantly obvious to everyone in the world – and thereby open season on me. But, you know, at this period in my life, I don’t know why anyone wants to take shots – it’s too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. It takes a really sleazy person to kick me while I’m down. But….

Recently, the AssHat told me (in regards to our house situation and our marriage situation) that I have no problems and that I am content to “be fat and happy, napping all the time.” Wow, one insult with three very sharp, very painful arrows. Let me explain:

Arrow #1 – napping all the time – I am ashamed to admit that I have been sleeping a LOT in the last year. Byproduct of the clinical depression or just easy means to escape the overwhelming anger, bitterness, and grief? I can’t answer that. But I CAN tell you that I don’t like it. I have a million other things that I could and would be doing with my time – if I weren’t so damn exhausted. I feel like getting out of bed every morning and screwing a smile on my face takes all of my emotional, mental, and physical energy. I am ashamed that it wears me out simply to try and get through my days and that I can’t seem to shake this off. I take naps almost every day and frequently go to bed early in the night. I hate this and I wish that life didn’t wear me out so badly.

Arrow #2 – happy – uh, really? How can that man possibly have deluded himself into thinking that I am happy with the way my life has turned out? If you’d have asked me ten years ago where I thought my life would be, I sure as HELL would not have answered “the jilted spouse, about to be divorced, living with a man who hates me, having lost friends I’ve had for 10 years, not sure where I will be living next month, and feeling so bad about myself that I can’t stand it.” Yep, you got it, I’m fricking ecstatic!

Arrow #3 – fat – yep, we all know that’s the #1 hot button for me. As if him cheating on me for 3 years and finally leaving me for that whore isn’t enough of an ego killer, he has to throw in my face the one thing that has devastated my self-confidence for my entire life. Nice, real nice. I have been self-conscious about my body since the third grade and have always been afraid that no man will ever truly love me because of my size. In hindsight, I guess I’ve always wondered how I managed to get married at all – since I am certainly not the ideal woman. So to have him use that particular arrow in this situation was a dead-on shot.

If I’ve learned any one lesson from this mess, it’s that I need to stop letting everything get to me. I have to toughen up and stop letting inconsequential and cruel people mess with my head and pushing my buttons. I will be stronger, I will be tougher, I will be less sensitive! I’ll just keep saying it…it will stick one of these days…

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Looking for a good, solid redneck man – firemen need not apply….

 So with the start of 2011, I find myself newly-single and inching ever-closer to my expiration date. It is a bitch to be back on the dating scene again – and knowing what I know now, how in the world am I going to trust a man OR my heart ever again???

But, I have learned that I am meant to love someone – and meant to make a life with someone, someday. I liked being married and having someone to come home to at night, someone to share miseries and joys with.

So, having complete faith that I can someday find someone out there in this big universe, I have come up with a list of things that I would like to have in any potential dates:

~ must have strong family values

~ affectionate – hugs and kisses must be given regularly, hands must be held in public

~ loves his momma 

~ loves animals

~ honest and faithful – monogamy is NOT optional

~ good with children

~ possesses a sense of honor

~ must love music

~ can watch chick flicks

~ a big guy – no toothpicks for me, sorry

~ willing to dance with me in public

~ owns a pickup truck – the bigger the better

~ likes to be in the great outdoors – hunting, fishing, camping, whatever…

~ wears a) cowboy boots, b) cowboy hat, c) turkey platter belt buckle OR any combination of the 3

~ has a strong sense of right and wrong

~ kind and strong

~ gainfully employed

~ man enough to discuss his feelings honestly and openly

~ is respectful and tolerant

~ loves holidays

~ doesn’t have a drinking problem OR a mistress

~ won’t sneak around my back to do anything (except Christmas & birthday presents, those are ok)

~ keeps his promises – i’ve already had enough broken promises to last me a lifetime

~ likes his girls curvy and healthy

~ smiles a lot and yells little

~ can deal with intelligent and outspoken women

Firemen should NOT apply – I know too much now about how they “operate.” Police officers would be dandy – even fire marshals would be great. But NO firemen – ha, let’s just say I’ve been burned!

Oh, and I’m sorry to say they can’t be from the Bay Hundred Area of Talbot County. I have been told to no longer date in that geographic region – three strikes, I’m out.

So if any of you know a man who has all of these traits (or, HELL, even 1 or 2), please let me know. Until then, I will wait patiently and hopefully….

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Curvy Girls Make Better Lovers…

This was the name of a group on Facebook and I just couldn’t help but to join! I thought that this was SO perfect for me at this time in life. I want to find a life partner that can appreciate me for my strong brain, my giving heart, and my kind soul – no more do I want to be judged because of the size of my butt!

I have already told you my objections to the term “plus size.” I also hate chunky, big-boned, hefty, and obese. Why can’t people just accept each other as they are? Why do we have to be labeled?

There was a time in history when women with curves were coveted. It was a sign of affluence and bounty. It was also an indicator of fertility and maternal aptitude. How far we have come in our thinking – and not in a good way! Now we idolize the anorexic. Open a fashion magazine sometime and you won’t even see healthy women – you will see skin-and-bones, anemic girls with a negative BMI. Seriously, I want to break into one of those fashion shows and make EVERY ONE of those girls eat a donut!

I wish that every man was given a seminar on realistic body expectations for a potential mate. And I wish all young girls were given a seminar on how to love themselves regardless of the girth of their hips or the size of their clothes. We need to train our young people that beauty is more than skin deep – beauty is in your character!

And, yes, we women with curves are sexy girls! We have sensuous curves that make us feminine and erotic. We are imaginative and creative lovers and we don’t discriminate based on a gentleman’s…uh…size. We wear lingerie for fun and not because we are trying to emulate some celebrity. We have butts and thighs and bellies that are soft and tender – we won’t give you any bruises from sharp elbows or protruding hip bones. And we can fill out a fun flirty bra much better than some young thang who looks like an 11-year old boy!

So I would like to send a shout-out to my fellow curvy girls! We are truly wonderful, warm, creative, loving, sexy people – and don’t y’all forget it!

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Rebound Relationships

When you have spent the last decade of your life in a relationship with one person, you become fairly secure. You stop having the necessary armor and skills set required for life in the single lane. So when you suddenly find yourself checking the single-type boxes on the forms (single, divorced, separated, etc.), it is a very difficult transition.

And what, I asked my previously-divorced friends, is the hardest part about the transition? The rebound relationship was high on the list of answers. Luckily, I have now made those two monster mistakes and have moved on. Let me tell you a little about my gigantic stupidity…

The first was a fireman in a neighboring district that I had actually known for years through my soon-to-be-ex-husband. A man significantly older than me with two almost-adult children, a bitter divorce, a drinking problem, and who bears a curious resemblance to Shrek. And, oh yeah, did I mention that he was ALSO having an affair with my husband’s mistress? Yep, you read that right. He had been sharing the mistress with my husband for at least a year and was royally ticked that she seemed to have chosen my husband as the victor. So, his reaction was to start calling me, telling me that only we could understand the betrayal and that we should be together. He would call and text me constantly and, dumb me, I believed the son of a bitch! I thought he was sincere, I thought that he truly knew what I was going through. Needless to say, he was simply using me to irritate the mistress – and it worked. He did kindly offer to juggle me into his schedule when she wasn’t around but I didn’t think that seemed like a good idea. So, score a 10 on the Stupid Scale for me!

My second rebound was, I’m sorry to report, an even dumber idea than the first! He was a very recent widower and we clung to each other like drowning people to life jackets. We believed the “I love yous” and in the happily ever after fairy tale – we were both so desperate to put our pasts behind us and start again. On the surface, it was actually quite a perfect match – we were both fairly quiet, family-oriented, loving people with mutual interests in history, country life, and the fire department. I think we both deluded ourselves into thinking that true love could happen just that quick. Until, as he tells it, he started having dreams about his late wife. Literally overnight, I was out on my butt in the cold – Thursday night he wants to fool around and to talk about our wedding (in that order) and Friday he is cutting ties totally. And, being me, I assumed it was something I had done wrong and did the requisite insecure girl thing and cried and begged. Yep, I admit it, it wasn’t pretty and it wasn’t classy. But he was done with me – refusing to see me, speak to me on the phone, or even respond to text messages, saying he needed time alone to think. Oho, the good old “it’s not you, it’s me” phrase even came out of him – why do men do that?? Do they have any idea how thoroughly irritating that is?? At any rate, two weeks later I received a text telling me has a new 20-year girlfriend and they expect to be very happy and, by the way, don’t contact him anymore. If I thought my husband’s departure left me spinning, this last ending cut me in half. I find myself still turning in circles wondering how in the HELL I had ended up here?

So 2010 was NOT a good year for me in terms of relationships. I saw my marriage end, my Shrek-loving days come screeching to a close, and my merry widower has moved on to a girl who can’t even legally drink. But I have high hopes for 2011! Things have GOT to get better, right? So stay tuned….

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“Plus Size”

In a lot of ways, it is hell to go through life as a big girl in a world that desires little ones. I am a real-life, full-size woman. Period, end of story. I have been told that I am “too big” since early childhood and I know, deep down, that those critics are right. I know that a few extra pounds are bad for my health. But why does the world need to tell those of us that are heftier that we are somehow inferior? Everywhere I look there are reminders to accept diversity and to be tolerant of those that are different – and yet the fat-bias persists. How often do you see heavy characters on tv or in the movies that are getting the hot guys or starring in major roles? Rarely – those ‘heavyweights’ are usually the buffoons or the funny sidekicks.  

I have been doing Weight Watchers for the last several years and am so grateful to have that group of people who are going through the same issues I am. It amazes me that we all struggle with the same psychological and emotional issues – regardless of how many extra pounds we’re carrying. We all feel the same guilt every time we sneak through the McDonald’s drive through or tear our way through a bag of peanut M&M’s. We all struggle with the munchies and the aversion to raw vegetables, buffets at parties and sinful desserts. I am not alone in this struggle and it is reassuring.

I hate clothes shopping! Hate it! It is only recently that clothing manufacturers realize that people who wear a size 16 or larger are not 85 years old or living in muumuus. Nowadays, we can get funky dresses, sexy lingerie, and flattering tops just like our skinny sisters – we just have to pay 3 times as much and shop in an extra 50 or 60 stores. It sucks! And to have to search in sections with HUGE signs on the wall proclaiming us as “PLUS SIZES”, like somehow we fall outside of the normal realm of humanity and fashion.

So, to all of my healthy and curvy sisters, I offer up the following words – you are NOT different or weird! There are a lot of us full-size women out there and we should learn to accept ourselves…nay, even celebrate ourselves! We have got to teach the world that it takes all sizes and body shapes to meet the needs of the males of the species! So, girls, rejoice in who you are and feel confident and supported!

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