Humbly Grateful OR Grumbly Hateful?

 So I was driving home from work a few weeks ago and saw this simple statement written on a sign board for one of the more….uh…fundamentalist churches here in Easton. And, while I generally don’t agree with the statements this particular church posts (don’t start sending me hate mail, I just don’t agree with some of their beliefs), this particular statement really got me thinking.

I admit that, for the past several weeks, I have been a tidbit grouchy. Perhaps its the keen sense of loss and grief I feel for the act of eating and enjoying a meal, perhaps it was the surgical experience of having my guts scrambled. Perhaps its the culmination of the past several years of stress, or maybe it was just because I have bottled up too much anxiety lately and it’s starting to manifest. Regardless of the reason, I have been grouchy and grumpy.

But this sign gives me a sharp dose of reality. I should be grateful for the wonderful things and people I have in my life. I have my health (came through the surgery with flying colors, according to the surgeon this week), I have a roof over my head (at least for the time being), I have family and friends near and far, I have a strong fire department family. I have a job that I love and which challenges me daily and I have fantastic, caring coworkers. I have a strong brain and a stronger character (hence why I have lived the last 2 years without one single spiteful action – yay me!). I have hobbies and activities that give me an outlet for stress. I have food in my pantry (which someday I’ll get to eat again) and I have heat in the winter and A/C in the summer. I have a wide and diverse group of people that I truly care about.  I have four-legged furry children who love me unconditionally. What amazing things do you have in your life to be grateful for? What people can cheer you up, make you laugh, help you out, cry with you, and love you always? What blessings have YOU been given?

November means Thanksgiving and I think too often we forget the origins of the holiday – thanks giving! So instead of grumbling and being grouchy this month, I think I’ll choose the “humbly grateful” option. Thank you Lord for giving me life, friends, family and love. Thank you Father for giving me a life that is filled with laughs and lessons. Thank you God for the challenges and obstacles you have given me – it has made me stronger, wiser, and more tolerant. I am truly grateful and humbled by the blessings you have given to me.

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The “Easy Way” Out?

My regular readers will have noticed that I have been absent from my keyboard for an unforgivable lapse in time. I have been busily preparing for what (I hope) has become a turning point in my journey on this planet. After 30+ years of being an overweight American, I made the very difficult decision (and even more difficult process) to have a roux-en-y gastric bypass surgery. It has taken me a long time to work up the courage to publicly admit that I had chosen this path – so please be gentle in the cyber commenting. I had the surgery done last Thursday and am now waiting anxiously for the pounds to come off…

Where do I begin in my story of being fat? I was born at 10 pounds – a big girl from the start – and have just kept going from there! As part of the psychological process of preparing for my surgery, I had to sit down and create a timeline of all the different diets, weight loss medications, fads, programs, and support groups that I have used on my journey to become thin. This was an amazingly enlightening experience, as I realized that this truly has been a lifelong struggle – my list was over 4 pages long and my first diet was when I was in 3^rd GRADE!  And, I am sorry to say, the world around me wasn’t prepared to accept my size. High schoolers are not known for their kindness or compassion – and being the fat kid all the way through school was rough. Hence, I have major self-esteem and self-confidence issues and some pretty heavy body image baggage to carry. I don’t blame anyone else for those emotional issues but myself – if I were a stronger person I would have learned to deal with things differently and I wouldn’t let my physical appearance effect how I think of myself. It is a struggle daily for me, to this day, to be a fat person in a thin world.

When I did mention to some of those nearest, dearest, and most important to me what I was doing with the surgery, I actually heard two different people tell me that I was taking the “easy way out” and that I could lose the weight if I just tried harder.  Obviously, with that list I created, I think I can prove I have tried as hard as humanly possible and just couldn’t do it!

This was the perfect time in my life to move forward with this. My husband left me almost 2 years ago for another woman and I had spent the last 10 years of my life with him, feeling pretty bad about myself. I hit my birthday with a vengeance this past summer and began to get very scared that I was going to grow old and fat and totally alone. The “I’ve Fallen and I Can’t Get Up” commercials began to give me nightmares as I visualized myself living like that, alone with my cats and growing ever-fatter. I didn’t want to become Gilbert Grape’s mother! And I realized that I have been playing a pretty scary game of Russian roulette with my health – morbid obesity leads to massive strokes, heart problems, joint issues, liver and kidney breakdown, etc. And the final straw was when I realized that I couldn’t do some things that I really wanted to  because I was too damn fat. I want to get out and be active and live a long life (hey Talbot Fair Plays, are you paying attention?!)!  I also don’t want to be The Fat Chick anymore – I want to have a positive body image and the self-confidence of knowing that I am beautiful and healthy.

So that’s how I got here. And I can tell you right here and right now that this is NOT an easy decision!! Nothing about this journey has been EASY! You have to go through 6 months of nutritional counseling and dieting before the insurance companies will even consider you. Then you have to have a battery of tests to make sure you’re healthy enough – cardiologists, gynecologists, internists, nutritionists, psychologists and on and on and on. THEN, once you’ve done all that, you have to do all the preop testing – 37 different blood tests, EKGs, pregnancy tests, upper GIs, xrays, CT scans (I think, by the time this is over and done with, I will have tried every imaginable piece of equipment available at Shore Health). It is only then that you get to actually go have the surgery done – and I encourage every one of you to click on the link and see exactly what it is they have done to my guts. It will force you to respect the millions of people like me who have put their bodies through this! And now, 7 days out from surgery, I can tell you it STILL isn’t easy. I can only eat 2-3 mouthfuls of food at a time, I have to drink my weight in water and protein supplements, and I have a pill chest for daily meds that you could pack a Buick into. I will have to take supplements and vitamins for the rest of my life and live forever on a small-portion, protein-forward, sweets-forbidden diet.

So, to those of you who might think I’ve taken the “easy way” to becoming skinny, I can assure you I haven’t. I’ve chosen the only option I had available to give me a longer, healthier life. I’m very excited about this exciting new path in my journey and I can’t wait for what lies ahead!

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Choosing Off the Menu

It’s funny how much of my life can be related to food – so stereotypical of a fat girl to say, I know. As I draw nearer and nearer to the date on which I give up my old food habits, I can’t help but see food in everything I do, see, say, love, and enjoy. I will expand more upon the eating changes at some later point, as I find the courage to deal with the issue publicly. But for right now, suffice it to say that I am reevaluating my relationship with food and making some major changes.

One of the biggest realizations I have come to is that I need to put people back to the top of the things that I love in this world. I have found myself drawing further and further into solitude as a way of dealing with the hurts and stress of the past 2 years.  I have been retreating further and further from people in a way to avoid stress, hurt, rejection, and pain. This ‘diet’ cannot be healthy for me – and certainly must be hurtful to the people around me.

So I am putting my relationships with my friends and family, the truly important people in my world, back to the top of my menu! I am once again going to feast at the table of the world around me. People are, in my theory, like a giant restaurant – sometimes a buffet, sometimes a fancy steakhouse, sometimes a fast food joint, sometimes an exotic foreign eatery. There are millions of different types of people out there and sometimes you have to be brave and try something new. Sometimes you’ll find that people are bitter or rotten but more often, I would like to think, people are sweet and unique and full of their own unique ‘flavors.’ But remember that the menu isn’t a la carte – people aren’t side dishes.  You can’t pick and choose what qualities they have and don’t have – you have to accept them and enjoy them for all of their ‘flavors’!

As I redefine my relationship with food, I am also going to redefine my relationship with the human race. I am no longer as trusting and naive as I once was – but that’s ok. I’ve tried a few really bad dishes in the past 2 years – I am now ready for a new menu!

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One Insult, Three Very Sharp Arrows

Recently I realized that I must make it too easy for people to push my buttons. I’ve always known that I wear my heart on my sleeve but didn’t realize that it made me such an easy target. I didn’t realize that my foibles and insecurities and heartbreaks and shortcomings were so blatantly obvious to everyone in the world – and thereby open season on me. But, you know, at this period in my life, I don’t know why anyone wants to take shots – it’s too easy, like shooting fish in a barrel. It takes a really sleazy person to kick me while I’m down. But….

Recently, the AssHat told me (in regards to our house situation and our marriage situation) that I have no problems and that I am content to “be fat and happy, napping all the time.” Wow, one insult with three very sharp, very painful arrows. Let me explain:

Arrow #1 – napping all the time – I am ashamed to admit that I have been sleeping a LOT in the last year. Byproduct of the clinical depression or just easy means to escape the overwhelming anger, bitterness, and grief? I can’t answer that. But I CAN tell you that I don’t like it. I have a million other things that I could and would be doing with my time – if I weren’t so damn exhausted. I feel like getting out of bed every morning and screwing a smile on my face takes all of my emotional, mental, and physical energy. I am ashamed that it wears me out simply to try and get through my days and that I can’t seem to shake this off. I take naps almost every day and frequently go to bed early in the night. I hate this and I wish that life didn’t wear me out so badly.

Arrow #2 – happy – uh, really? How can that man possibly have deluded himself into thinking that I am happy with the way my life has turned out? If you’d have asked me ten years ago where I thought my life would be, I sure as HELL would not have answered “the jilted spouse, about to be divorced, living with a man who hates me, having lost friends I’ve had for 10 years, not sure where I will be living next month, and feeling so bad about myself that I can’t stand it.” Yep, you got it, I’m fricking ecstatic!

Arrow #3 – fat – yep, we all know that’s the #1 hot button for me. As if him cheating on me for 3 years and finally leaving me for that whore isn’t enough of an ego killer, he has to throw in my face the one thing that has devastated my self-confidence for my entire life. Nice, real nice. I have been self-conscious about my body since the third grade and have always been afraid that no man will ever truly love me because of my size. In hindsight, I guess I’ve always wondered how I managed to get married at all – since I am certainly not the ideal woman. So to have him use that particular arrow in this situation was a dead-on shot.

If I’ve learned any one lesson from this mess, it’s that I need to stop letting everything get to me. I have to toughen up and stop letting inconsequential and cruel people mess with my head and pushing my buttons. I will be stronger, I will be tougher, I will be less sensitive! I’ll just keep saying it…it will stick one of these days…

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The M&M Dilemma

When you are a fat girl, you spend a lot of time thinking about food. Either you’re planning your next meal or you’re feeling guilty because of something you just ate. You enjoy a great meal – and then you hate yourself for eating it.

I can’t even go to the grocery store without feeling self-conscious. I constantly am worried that people are looking in my cart and judging the nutritional value of its contents. Yes, I do realize how self-centered that is – most people are busy in their own lives and own concerns. Yes, I do realize that the world does not revolve around ME. But it doesn’t stop the fear that people are judging you for that carton of ice cream or bag of chips.

Why do we overeat? What is it that compels us to eat those foods we know we shouldn’t? I am calling it the M&M Dilemma. Those damn little pieces of chocolatey goodness beckon us and, once we dip into the bowl once, we go back again and again. I guess it’s the same as the male relationships in my life – I know they’re bad for me but I can’t help but want more. Ha, maybe it’s just a character flaw in ME – but I expect not. I suspect that many women out there will understand what I am saying with this.

The M&M Dilemma effects people of all sizes – fat, thin, skinny, chunky, plump, stick-like. We are all effected by the lure of yummy, fattening foods. We just can’t help eating those foods we know we shouldn’t – and then beat ourselves up for having caved. It’s definitely a vicious cycle. And it’s even worse when you are struggling with a weight problem. You go on a cycle of diets and binges, sneaking food and then feeling awful about it. You just can’t seem to stay away from the things you know you should.

And I don’t think the M&M Dilemma is limited to just food, either. Some of us struggle with alcohol problems or toxic relationships or gambling addictions. We keep going back to things or people that we KNOW we should just avoid.

So, am I alone in suffering from the M&M Dilemma? Am I the only one who is struggling with my weight, my eating, my self-image? Am I the only one who just can’t walk away? I hope not, as awfully mean as that sounds. It’s not that I want other people to be unhappy – I just don’t want to be alone in the struggle….

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Tomato Soup for the Soul

Food is a comfort to all of us at some point in our lives. When we are sick, we want the foods our mom used to make us. When we are sad, we can tear through a bag of M&M’s in an hour. When we are angry, we go out to dinner with our girlfriends and drink margaritas and eat fattening food. When we are stressed, we drink coffee and snarf donuts. And when we are depressed, we simply want foods that will make us feel better – for some of us it’s cakes and cookies, some prefer pasta and steaks, and yet others hit the good old-fashioned comfort foods – the mac and cheese, the chicken noodle (or, in my case, tomato) soup, the rice pudding, the ice cream, the doritos.

What is it about food that helps us to fill the holes in our hearts? As only a fat girl can, I have long pondered why we (especially as women) turn to food in times of crisis. I have several theories on this topic but most importantly I think that food connects us to ourselves and to other people.

Certain foods help reconnect us to moments from our past in ways that a photograph or a memory could never do – the tastebuds recreate those happy times. Those recipes remind us of people we’ve known and places we’ve been, like virtual scrapbooks. We can recreate those recipes (albeit imperfectly) in our own kitchens to remind us of our journeys and our histories. Maybe the food brings back, if only in memory, a certain person  that you loved. Maybe it reminds you of an important event. Maybe it was discovered on a vacation or trip to somewhere exciting.

Food is also the universal connector from person to person. It’s how we can establish a bond with someone in a non-verbal, non-partisan, non-judgemental way. Food, regardless of ethnicity, community, or religion, can create a connection between people and tells them that we care about them.

Have you noticed that all of our life moments are marked by food?  What happens when someone passes away? Casseroles. What happens when someone is sick? Soup. What happens if someone graduates? Cakes. Gets married? Also cake. Has a baby? More casseroles. Someone’s depressed? Take them out to dinner. Birthdays? Yet more cake. Celebrating summer? Picnics and BBQs. Holidays? Easter hams, Thanksgiving turkeys, Valentine’s chocolates, St. Patty’s green beer, etc.

Food, I think, is a grounding mechanism – it keeps us bound to each other and to our heritages, histories, and happy times. Like the lightning bolt that attracts the electricity, food draws us in and keeps us tied to the important events, people, and moments that make us who we are.

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I’m not negative…I’m just right

One of the things that my husband always told me that drove him most crazy was my negative outlook on life. I admit to always waiting for the other shoe to drop, the bad stuff to arrive on the heels of the good stuff. I wish, oh do I wish, that I didn’t always anticipate the worst! But, dammit, I wish people could stop proving my pessimistic little self right!

To the men in my life who can’t grow up: stop acting like total douchebags about relationships, commitment, honesty, and loyalty.

To the females in my life who want to create drama: stop proving the worst female stereotypes about cattiness, bitchiness, and pettiness! 

To the ‘friends’ I thought who have now abandoned me because of my divorce: I guess I was wrong in believing that you were decent human beings that wouldn’t choose sides!

To the whiny boys in the firehouse: stop bitching about every little thing and remember that the EVFD motto is “service for others” and is not “What are you going to do for ME”!

To the truly mean-spirited people who are rejoicing in kicking me while I’m down, making up lies, and gossiping about me: there is nothing to be gained by smearing my name or dragging me through the mud – it only makes YOU look bad!

To the women who had an affair with my husband: I hope that someday karma pays you back and he cheats on YOU!

And to my soon-to-be-ex-husband and the Rebound Relationships: one day you’ll realize what you missed out on – I’m a good, honest, loyal, giving and caring woman who can cook and enjoys sex – too bad you weren’t smart enough to keep me!

However, in my continuing effort to become a better person, I am going to counteract the negativity with just a small bit of optimism: I’m bouncing back. I have a wonderful circle of TRUE friends who have circled the wagons, pledging their homes if I need them, giving me their ears to fill, and proclaiming their (probably  misguided) confidence that I am a good person. Those same friends are making me remember who I was before all of this nightmare, who I can be again.

I went out the other night to a bar for the first time in twenty forevers and had drinks with my girls and laughed and made fun of boys. I felt confident and secure in who I was and could just sit back and enjoy. I could eat dinner and have obscenely decadent cocktails without mentally counting calories or fearing that I would be judged for being fat. I could spend time with people that my husband wouldn’t approve of and didn’t fear his wrath. I could laugh and cut up without wondering if people were laughing AT me. I could have a few beers and dance and chat with strangers. It was a shadow of who I used to be. Things are looking up!

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Curvy Girls Make Better Lovers…

This was the name of a group on Facebook and I just couldn’t help but to join! I thought that this was SO perfect for me at this time in life. I want to find a life partner that can appreciate me for my strong brain, my giving heart, and my kind soul – no more do I want to be judged because of the size of my butt!

I have already told you my objections to the term “plus size.” I also hate chunky, big-boned, hefty, and obese. Why can’t people just accept each other as they are? Why do we have to be labeled?

There was a time in history when women with curves were coveted. It was a sign of affluence and bounty. It was also an indicator of fertility and maternal aptitude. How far we have come in our thinking – and not in a good way! Now we idolize the anorexic. Open a fashion magazine sometime and you won’t even see healthy women – you will see skin-and-bones, anemic girls with a negative BMI. Seriously, I want to break into one of those fashion shows and make EVERY ONE of those girls eat a donut!

I wish that every man was given a seminar on realistic body expectations for a potential mate. And I wish all young girls were given a seminar on how to love themselves regardless of the girth of their hips or the size of their clothes. We need to train our young people that beauty is more than skin deep – beauty is in your character!

And, yes, we women with curves are sexy girls! We have sensuous curves that make us feminine and erotic. We are imaginative and creative lovers and we don’t discriminate based on a gentleman’s…uh…size. We wear lingerie for fun and not because we are trying to emulate some celebrity. We have butts and thighs and bellies that are soft and tender – we won’t give you any bruises from sharp elbows or protruding hip bones. And we can fill out a fun flirty bra much better than some young thang who looks like an 11-year old boy!

So I would like to send a shout-out to my fellow curvy girls! We are truly wonderful, warm, creative, loving, sexy people – and don’t y’all forget it!

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Completely Meaningless Musings

++ does anybody else remember those old color-changing shirts that changed color when you touched it? What were those called? I have a cool plastic cup that I got at Winterfest that does the same thing – changes color when you put either hot or cold water into it. It sure is nifty!! Wish I could find that old shirt, too, and then I’d be all set.

++being fat in this world really sucks! I have to watch what I eat and suffer through weekly Weight Watchers meetings and feel constant emotional turmoil over food – and yet I STILL DON’T LOOK LIKE A SUPERMODEL! GRRRRRR….

++stupid people and mean people should not be allowed to call me before noon – it ruins my whole day!

++thank God for good friends who care enough about you to suffer through endless whining and are just there when you need them – thank God too for the ones who reach out and force you to be a part of the human race and don’t let you retreat into a hole

++I have been having the weirdest dreams lately – – I even had a long conversation in one last night with my friend Liz who died 3 years ago — and I wonder if my subconscious is as restless as my conscious mind…

++do you ever wish you could just close your eyes and *poof* land in some other place? And be some other person? And live some other life?

++I worry constantly – I feel like I am constantly fussed about something — I wonder how I can stop that….? I worry about my friends near and far, I worry about my family and their fun dysfunction, I worry about my life (or lack thereof), I worry about my work, I worry about whether I turned off the coffee pot this morning. I just worry.

++I’m re-reading the most phenomenal book right now – the 1st volume in a biography of Eleanor Roosevelt. Talk about girl power – she was so far ahead of her time in issues like women’s educations, gender equality, civil rights, political power, economic fairness!

++I have always wanted a pair of multicolor striped toe socks. I don’t know why. And the only time I ever really see them in the stores is at Christmas time and I am always saving my pennies for Christmas gifts, so I never buy them for myself. But I just think those toe socks are a real hoot. Maybe I’ll buy them with the color-changing shirts….

++I really have strong objections to the Country School here in Easton. This private, high-tuition school thrived during integration in the 1950s in order to prevent white kids from having to *gasp* go to school with black kids – and that really just sets my teeth on edge. And, honestly, that school is still that elitist! Only now it’s the rich kids who won’t mingle with the poor kids. Yikes, what values are we teaching our children?

++am I a freak? A friend (thanks so much SJ) told me that years ago and it STILL intrigues me. And that friend wasn’t just talking about my clothing choices. He was talking Usher’s “lady in the street, freak in the bed” type of freak. I’ve never thought of myself as being terribly interesting in the sexual kind of way (god knows my husband certainly didn’t think so) but yet I wonder….?

++I don’t care what anyone says, I like classical music! I just found a wonderful Bizet suite (L’Arlésienne) that makes me want to shiver. I listen to it in my truck sometimes and think, “yep, I am SUCH a nerd!” but I can’t help it. Of course, I’m not totally hopeless in cool – I know almost every Billy Joel song ever written, Elvis is King, Wynton Marsalis and/or Barry White is good bedroom music, Marvin Gaye rocks the nightclub, and nothing says country like George Strait.

++a high school acquaintance is a marathon star now and thinks I ought to take up running – isn’t that funny? Girls with big boobs just don’t run a lot – unless they have a VERY strong system of undergarment support. Of course, he also thinks I should get a tattoo up my nose, so I’m beginning to wonder about him.

++if you ever need a “reining in” of your life, visit a friend who has a 13-year old kid battling cancer. Talk about putting your problems into perspective! If I had half of the courage that cancer patients and their families have, I’d be a superhero. I have so much respect and admiration for people who can face that kind of illness and fight that battle!

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“Plus Size”

In a lot of ways, it is hell to go through life as a big girl in a world that desires little ones. I am a real-life, full-size woman. Period, end of story. I have been told that I am “too big” since early childhood and I know, deep down, that those critics are right. I know that a few extra pounds are bad for my health. But why does the world need to tell those of us that are heftier that we are somehow inferior? Everywhere I look there are reminders to accept diversity and to be tolerant of those that are different – and yet the fat-bias persists. How often do you see heavy characters on tv or in the movies that are getting the hot guys or starring in major roles? Rarely – those ‘heavyweights’ are usually the buffoons or the funny sidekicks.  

I have been doing Weight Watchers for the last several years and am so grateful to have that group of people who are going through the same issues I am. It amazes me that we all struggle with the same psychological and emotional issues – regardless of how many extra pounds we’re carrying. We all feel the same guilt every time we sneak through the McDonald’s drive through or tear our way through a bag of peanut M&M’s. We all struggle with the munchies and the aversion to raw vegetables, buffets at parties and sinful desserts. I am not alone in this struggle and it is reassuring.

I hate clothes shopping! Hate it! It is only recently that clothing manufacturers realize that people who wear a size 16 or larger are not 85 years old or living in muumuus. Nowadays, we can get funky dresses, sexy lingerie, and flattering tops just like our skinny sisters – we just have to pay 3 times as much and shop in an extra 50 or 60 stores. It sucks! And to have to search in sections with HUGE signs on the wall proclaiming us as “PLUS SIZES”, like somehow we fall outside of the normal realm of humanity and fashion.

So, to all of my healthy and curvy sisters, I offer up the following words – you are NOT different or weird! There are a lot of us full-size women out there and we should learn to accept ourselves…nay, even celebrate ourselves! We have got to teach the world that it takes all sizes and body shapes to meet the needs of the males of the species! So, girls, rejoice in who you are and feel confident and supported!

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